Go Set a Watchman

A few weeks back Go Set A Watchman was all over my FB newsfeed. Review after review talked about the fall of Atticus Finch. People ranted about the shocking discovery that Atticus was a closet racist, Jean Louise (nee Scout) was almost engaged to a member of the KKK, and everything in Maycomb, GA was coming crashing down.

I immediately locked down and said no way, no how am I reading this sacrilege. Atticus Finchis still atop the pedestal he's lived on since I was in 8th grade and I'm not going to do anything that might topple him. Scout, Jem, and Dill live on in my mind in those endless Georgian summers playing in the road, spying on Boo Radley, and reading to Mrs.Dubose as she battles morphine withdrawal. I have no desire to change any of that.

But then QM went and did the unthinkable. She bought the book.

My resolve crumbled like my Grandpa's sugar cookies.

The week before school started, I went back to Maycomb.

I've been digesting Go Set a Watchman for about 2 weeks now and I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it. Points in the book seemed like an unnecessary sequel to Mockingbird. But since it was actually written first, I know that's not the case. Quite a few flashbacks to Scout's and Jem's childhood were scattered through the book making the original publisher's idea behind Mockingbird seem like the perfect choice. As a stand alone, I don't think I would have been impressed with the latest book.

Without giving too much away, Jean Louise comes home for 10 days in the summer and has her childhood ideals come crashing down around her. The point is that she needs to separate her personal identity from the identity she's created for herself in Atticus's shadow. She needs to find her own moral foundation and stop living on her father's. For that to happen Atticus cannot continue to live on the pedestal Scout has placed him on her entire life. She has to grow up and therefore grow apart.

The book touches on many of the ideas behind states rights that were still very prevalent in the south; the thought process behind segregation, the notion that equality was a pipe dream, and the divide between urban ideals and rural values. Because the book was originally written during the civil rights movement, I think it gives a perspective on segregation we often miss out on in public school history class. I think I better understand why segregationists fought to keep the status quo and why otherwise compassionate and intelligent Southerner clung so tightly to the idea. That's not to say I agree with their reasoning, it's just to say I understand it a little better.

A friend (who happens to be a retired English teacher/writer born and raised in Harper Lee's South)  stated she was unsure the book should have been published at all. After reading it, and somewhat enjoying it  for the nostalgia it produced, I'm inclined to agree with her. The book is a disjointed attempt at reconciling Harper Lee's Southern upbringing with her later life in New York. It's a book that, without the surety of making a lot of money on Ms. Lee's name alone, probably wouldn't have made it past the Free Kindle Book list.

All that said, I do not regret reading it and I did enjoy the book (even though my review seems to state otherwise). But if you're looking for the importance of To Kill a Mockingbird, I fear you'll be disappointed.

As for me, I choose Atticus Finch to remain a paragon of virtue in my imagination, regardless of his literary evolution.

Deeper and deeper in love I fall.

I'm beginning to wonder if I could convince Jennifer Adams to come write my life story. In short, possibly 2 to 3 word sentences. And while I'm at it, I need Alison Oliver to illustrate it...or my entire house. Whichever she likes. I'm not picky.

Ms.Adams and Ms.Oliver are the minds behind BabyLit. And they are lovely minds I'd like to settle in with for a few hours on a breezy afternoon. Let me know before you come over, ladies, and I'll start a campfire and get the s'mores fixin's ready.

Last week good mail came to The Farm in the form of Little Miss Burnett’s The Secret Garden: A BabyLit Flowers Primer and Master Cervantes’ Don Quixote: A BabyLit Spanish Language Primer. Once again, I am overjoyed.

 First of all, a flower primer? In board book form? How sweet is that? I am clueless about flowers in general. I know roses, peonies, lily of the valley, and a few other odds and ends, but get past the basics and I'm over here like, "The pink one is pretty." Now, thanks to a primer for littles I know what Canterbury Bells look like. Not only do I know what they look like, but if asked by a small child, I could doodle an approximation of one.

Secondly, I know that as parents we're supposed to be over the moon when something teaches our children a second language, but there is only so much Dora The Explorer I can handle. Luckily Don Quixote is here to save me from The Map, Backpack, and The Grumpy Old Troll Who Lives Under the Bridge (seriously, is Dora still on? I don't even know). I now know, that should I ever find myself in Holland with a desperate need to identify a windmill in Spanish, I can now say, "Los molinos de viento." And thanks to the dual pronunciation guide on the back of the book, I'll even pronounce it correctly.

Now if only my children would survive long enough to give me grandbabies I can read to! Until then I'll just have to practice on my amazing nephew PG and THE NEW BABY ART IS HAVING IN MARCH!!

Yeah, there's that, too.

So if you are in need (and really, who isn't in need) of the sweetest board books ever to come from classic literature, run right out (or sit right there in your pajamas because Amazon) and order all of these. And while you're at it, I still need copies of Emma, Treasure Island, Wuthering Heights, and all the rest. Email me and I'll give you my shipping address.

If you need me, I'll be doodling.

I got an email a few weeks back from my Internet boyfriend- Eric. He was reaching out to blogging moms to see if we wanted to review a new book by the same ladies who wrote these amazing board books. How could I say no?

Yesterday this beauty came in the mail:

It has been available from Gibbs Smith since August of last year. You can order it directly from the publishers or hit up Amazon. If you're housing a doodler, or happen to be a doodler at heart yourself, especially one with a penchant for classic literature, I highly suggest it.

I REALLY wish I could post pictures from the inside of the book, but alas, they are not readily available and my scanner is on the fritz. But given the opportunity to color Netherfield Hall, draw a new hat for Anna Karenina, The Hound of the Baskervilles hanging out on a cliff, Queequeg's tattoos, stamps for Mina to put on her letters to Harker, hats for The Mad Hatter, or weather vanes for Wuthering Heights, who can resist?

Jennifer Adams and Alison Oliver did an amazing job on the drawings and ideas in the book. There are quite a few pages for you to fill in with your own doodling, some simple crafts, invitations for themed parties, places you can write stories, and lots of pages that tell you to make multiple copies. The pages are perforated so you can pull them out and share one book between multiple children.

That said, I'm not entirely sure I'm going to share this one with the FarmHands. I like it too much. Do moms really have to share? Perhaps I'll stash it away for those rainy days during Summer break when the natives get restless.

It's the End of the World as We Know It.

About a million years ago I discovered the wonderful world of Quirk Books. I love them with all the fire of a thousand suns. Partially because they publish amazing and strange books and partly because they send them to me FOR FREEEEEEEEEEE (said in my best Adam Sandler from Bedtime Stories voice.....do not judge me, I have small children).

The second book I read from the Quirk library was written by a man soon to become one of my all time favorite authors: Ben H. Winters. I've already reviewed the first 2 books in his Hank Palace/The Last Policeman series (I'd link to them, but a raging headache is making everything 85,000 times harder than it should be) and absolutely loved them both. The first book got me through The-Summer-of-Hospitalizations. The second helped get me through long, hard days spent lounging by the pool as The FarmHands splashed about. The third kept me up nights I should have been resting. It's a hard life.

I actually finished the latest a few weeks back. I've needed time to marinate in, meditate over, and all around savor this one.

World of Trouble by Ben H. Winters is the final installment in The Last Policeman series.

You can't help but fall in love with Hank Palace. There are wrongs in the world that have to be righted regardless of the fact that the world won't exist in just a few days. When the rest of humanity is hunkering down, going bucket list, or checking out early, Hank is traveling from Massachusetts to Ohio with his shady side kick Cortez, on a bicycle, hauling his newly acquired dog in a little red wagon, in search of his conspiracy theorist little sister (Holy run on sentence, Batman).

You can't help but hope for the the best for Hank and his baby sister Nico. You can't help but accept his optimism as fact. You can't help but know, deep down that everything is going to end well for them. You can try, but it won't work.

Will Hank find Nico before Maia collides with Earth causing life as we know it to end? Will Nico's conspiracy friends have one final, world saving trick up their collective sleeve? Will Cortez bean him in the head with a maglite for the last can of pork 'n' beans?

That's basically where this review has to end for fear of spoilers, sweetie.

Just trust me on this- if you haven't started the series at all, go to Amazon now and order all 3 books. It will be easier than finishing one and waiting for Amazon to ship you the next. Better yet, get all 3 on your e-reader and skip the shipping process all together.

And now I'm scared of big box furniture stores.

Do you remember Eric? My Internet boyfriend in publishing? The one who sends me books that I read and then send you all flocking to Amazon to purchase? Well, he struck again.

This time he sent me one that has prevented a decent night's sleep since I finished it. Horrorstor by Grady Hendrix is a strange mix of Ikea knock-off catalog, workplace satire, and haunted house ghost story.

According to the Quirk Books website, "Something strange is happening at the Cuyahoga location of Orsk, the all-American furniture superstore in Scandinavian drag whose forward-thinking slogan promises 'a better life for everyone.' Each morning, employes arrive to find broken Kjerring bookshelves, shattered Glans glassware, and vandalized Liripip wardrobes- clearly, someone or something is up to no good. To unravel the mystery, five employees are to spend a long dusk-till-dawn shift at the store, unaware of the darkness that awaits them."

The day it came in the mail I had to have my eyes dilated so I only got through about 1 chapter before having to give up what with all the light and movement and me looking like something out of a Japanese horror movie. Now I think it may have been a premonition.

This is one of those books that I really wanted to quit reading but couldn't. From the first, the layout of the catalog/novel intrigued me. Shopping while reading? Yes, please. But flipping through the illustrations quickly left me feeling a bit uneasy. Something just wasn't right, so I dove in and couldn't put it down. Heebie-jeebies abounded. And to be entirely honest there were about 2 pages I had to skim to keep from gagging (just remembering those pages makes my gorge rise).

The setting was meticulously mapped out (including an actual map which was a godsend for people visually inclined like yours truly). The characters were all relatable if often irritating- much like the people we all work with. The story was intriguing and unsettling. The illustrations, doubly so. The end result? I have never and now will never set foot in an Ikea (or Orsk, should they ever come into actual existence).

While Horrostor is available from Amazon for your e-reader, I highly suggest picking this one up in the physical form. The book hits shelves on September 23rd but is available for pre-order now.

No Sew Tablet (Book) Cover

For Christmas I got a new Kindle. While waiting for it's delivery, I spent days shopping online for the perfect case. I didn't like anything I saw in the Amazon marketplace but more than one that I loved on Etsy. But I also didn't want to shell out 1/3 the price of my device for a case. I began hunting tutorials and came across a few that I really liked (one in particular for it's wording alone) but I still wasn't satisfied with what I saw.

So....I decided to make my own.

Step #1: Pick the proper book. It needs to be similar in size to the device it will house...and it needs to have a decent title. You're going to appear to be reading this particular book for...well...possibly the rest of eternity so you might want to avoid titles like The 24 Hour Diet or The Beanie Baby Handbook. I went with Agatha Christie's Curtain. Can't go wrong with Hercule Poirot. I also picked out fabric to line the book with that compliments it's colors (I like a festive lining). Walmart has lots of beautiful fat quarters. I actually used a fat half but could have gotten away with a quarter easily.

 Step #2: Disembowel the book. This part actually a bit painful....for me and the book. You simply score along the edges of the inside cover with a pair of sharp scissors or an exacto knife (I really need a new one of those- this was more sawing than scoring). Yes, I kept the innards of this book. I plan on reading it. It's the least I could do after gutting it in such a fashion.

 Step #3: This is where I differ greatly from the tutorials I perused. I cut pieces of lightweight poster board to match the book size (the title page made a good template), then fusible quilt batting to match the poster board. I did use actual cardboard for the spine for extra stability.

 Step #4: Cut the fabric so that it will cover each piece and have plenty to wrap around. One of the faces needs to have enough fabric on one side to cover the entire front cover, spine, and a few inches onto the back cover. Fuse the quilt batting to the fabric with a hot iron.

 Step #5: None of the tutorials I saw included pockets. I love pockets. I know that the kindle itself should hold all the information I need without my packing around a bunch of paper slips, but darn it all- I wanted pockets. A bit of fusible interfacing and the finished edge of the fabric makes a lovely top seam for the pockets.

 Step #5: Glue the fabric to everything! Well, maybe not everything but it sure as heck felt like it. Basically you're wrapping the poster board like a present. A very sticky present. (Fabric glue works really well. I used clear Tacky Glue but if I were to do it again I think I'd go with something like Fabri-Tac). Remember that extra length for the front cover? Don't glue it down. We'll get to that in a minute.

 Step #5: Let everything dry. Clothes pins work great holding everything in place until it all sets up. Be careful not to glue you items to say, the table top, or a book you thought you could press them flat with, or another piece of paper, or your hands.

 Step #6: Attach elastic bands on all 4 corners of the back cover to hold your device. I laid my kindle down on the cover and decided where to place the first strap, then I used a piece of paper to make a template to be sure each corner had the same angle. This is when I added the pockets to the front cover but alas, I forgot to take a picture. You're also going to glue a piece of elastic to the inside cover to keep the case shut.

 Step #7: Glue the front cover in first laying the unfinished edge across the spine. Then add the covered spine (I added an elastic loop for a stylus incase I ever decide I want one), and the back cover.

 Step #8: Once it's all glued together I stacked The NIV Exhaustive Concordance and Miss Manners Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium to weight the entire thing down and left it over night. If you do not have the above mentioned titles, that dictionary you haven't used since the Internet became a household necessity will work just fine.

 Step #9: The next morning you can unstack the books and add the device of your choosing. (If you look very carefully at the right side of the spine you can see where I didn't leave quite enough fabric to cover the entire inside of the case. Oh well. You live, you learn....you craft, you learn even more.)

 Voila!!

And I feel fine.

The Saturday after my appendix surgery A Starry Night came to baby sit me.  Husband had to work, the kids had been shipped off to Uncle E & Aunt C's house, and QM was at her brother's graduation.  After a few hours of chatting and some heavy pain killers on my part, A Starry Night and I began discussing books and our mutual friend Eric who sends them to us.  She suggested I email Eric and ask him to send me some reading material to enjoy during my recovery.

Off I went to send a pathetic note to Eric.

Eric pulled through yet again and sent me Ben H. Winters' The Last Policeman: A Novel.

Ben H. Winters and I need to have words. First he gives me the all over heebie-geebies with Bedbugs and now he's got me all wrapped up in end of times paranoia and suspicion with The Last Policeman.

Given the certainty of the end of life on Earth as we know it, what do you do? Do you go bucket list and do all the things you've always wished you had? Do you surround yourself with family and friends? Do you build a bunker in the mountains and stock up on Spam and ammo? 
Detective Hank Palace solves murders. Or suspicious deaths he's sure are murders. Everyone else thinks he should leave well enough alone. "What's the point in solving murders if we're all going to die soon, anyway?"

This is the first book in a planned trilogy and all I can say is the next 2 books cannot come out soon enough!

Because Sometimes Dad Needs Help, Too.

There are lots of parenting books out there.  Most of them seem to be geared towards Mom.  People seem to forget that Dad is a parent, too...and often times no one's bothered to teach him the basics like how to change a diaper and what you need in your diaper bag.  Thankfully, Brett Cohen & my good friends at Quirk Books have come to the aid of all new dads with their New book- Stuff Every Dad Should Know.

This is where I fully admit that this book came in the mail a few months (maybe 2) ago. I read it, stuck it on the shelf for a time when I could sit down and write my review only to totally forget I had it.  Whoops.  But I'm not too terribly far behind.  The release date was May 1st.

You may recall my touting the praises of Stuff Every Mom Should Know a few months ago.  The Dad version deserves a place on the shelf right next to it (in fact, that's where it sits on my shelves).

The book does not treat fathers like idiots, but it does deal with stuff the most clueless of fathers need to learn.  How to pick out appropriate clothing for your child (something Husband could have used when the FarmHands were to little to pick for themselves....and even now when they're not great at matching), Elements of a First Aid Kit, How to Squelch a Temper Tantrum, what to do when your child asks where babies come from, how to assign chores, and many more.  And then there's the fun stuff like how to build a sand castle, plan a sleep over, how to make your kids "fly" without throwing out your back, how to teach your teen to drive (maybe I put this in the wrong section...get back to me in 4 more years when BabyGirl gets her learners permit), and how to bond with your teen.

Stuff Every Dad Should Know doesn't just cover the tiny baby portion of a child's life but goes right up to how to meet your child's in-laws.  It's not a huge book, but the information covered far surpasses most parenting books I've read.

This one will make a great Baby Shower gift for dad (because really, poor dad gets the shaft during most baby showers) or a take-to-the-hospital read for the brief amount of time Mom is in labor and doesn't need him at her beck and call.  Plus the hard back and small size make it perfect for packing around in the diaper bag ("It's called a satchel.  Indiana Jones wears one." -Alan Garner, The Hangover) unless of course he buys the Kindle version & keeps it on his phone.

Good Job, Mr. Cohen.  You may have saved fathers all over the country from feeling helpless in the presence of their 7 pound 6 ounce bundle of joy.

Bring on the grand kids!

"They" say Grand Kids are God's reward for not killing your kids.  I tell myself that on a regular basis.  Someday all the arguing and craziness will have been worth it because my children will have children and I can spoil those children rotten and send them home to drive their parents crazy.  Isn't that what a grandma is for?

In the meantime, I'm going to stock up on things a grandma needs....like blankets and clothes her children had so she can compare just how alike the grand babies and first babies are....and toys....and games....and books....and books....and books.

And I've found the perfect books to start my grandbaby collection (please, no one burst my bubble by telling me my kids are ages 4 to 10 and grandbabies are so far off I could fill the house with stuff for them before they ever get here):

Little Miss Bronte's Jane Eyre: A Counting Primer by Jennifer Adams, art by Alison Oliver

Little Master Carroll's Alice in Wonderland: A Colors Primer by Jennifer Adams, art by Alison Oliver

The books are marketed as "a fashionable way to introduce your child to the world of classic literature."  If by "introduce" they mean make your child familiar with the titles and a few characters here & there, then sure...but I see them much more as a catchy theme for baby books.  But I loved them none the less.

The illustrations are quirky and entertaining and have a sweet playfulness to them.  The idea of counting "1 Governess" and "4 Towers" on Thornfield Hall (there, Mama- I remembered & didn't have to look it up) makes me all giddy.  The only complaint I have (and I'm not alone in it) is that the "Blue Caterpillar" in the Alice color primer is really teal- not truly blue.  That can be a bit hard to explain to a toddler just learning their basic colors.

The few quotes scattered through out the Jane Eyre primer really thrilled me and I wish there had been some Alice quotes in the color primer but in all, I would definitely recommend putting these on your list of shower/first birthday gifts to pick up.  They're lovely and really interesting and board books Mom might not tire of in the 8 million times they must be read.

Now if only I could get my hands on Romeo & Juliet: A Counting Primer and Pride and Prejudice:  A Counting Primer.

How to parent- Quirk Books Style

A few weeks ago there was an email in my inbox from my friend Eric at Quirk Publishing.  He had 2 new books on child care & parenting that needed review.  I thought, "Who better to review such titles than a mother of four?  I could write these books....if I wasn't busy being the mother of four."  They got here last week & I have to say, I'm pretty impressed.

Coming from Quirk, you know these are not going to be your typical parenting books.  They do have a bit of a twist.  The first book that showed up is written by 2 fathers (possibly the first parenting book written by men that's come across my desk....see how professional that sounds: across my desk), David Borgenicht and James Grace (they also wrote some of the the Worst-Case Scenario Handbooks).  It's called How to Con Your Kid.

To be honest, my first thought was, "Great!  Let's teach more manipulation to an overwhelmingly manipulative society."  But as your mother has been telling you since you were 4, don't judge a book by it's cover (or title for that matter).  The fellas do a really good job of teaching newbie parents the tricks of the trade.

We've all done things to convince our kids to do something they're reluctant to attempt.  This books breaks it down into Con Jobs.  For example, the con: get your kid to play alone.  First off they explain just what we're trying to do.  This one is pretty obvious.  Then they teach you to lay the ground work.  "The key to increasing the odds that your child will play by himself for any period of time is to be realistic about your expectations.  If you think that you will make a four-course meal, do your laundry, write your dissertation, and catch up with a colleague today, you are in for disappointment."  They guys suggest that you "hype the fact he's doing something special and 'grown up'" whenever he plays by himself.

Then they lay out the basic cons: Play music, set up a toy testing area where your child needs to play with a group of toys to figure out which one he likes best, let him mimic what ever task you're working at (cooking, cleaning, typing), make a blanket tent to distract him, etc.

Next comes the short cons: "Why don't you teach your brother [dolls/stuffed animals] how to play _____?"
or "...I'll read you one story either before or after?  Do you want to hear it now or later?"  Simple, sweet ways to give them a choice (what kid doesn't crave making their own decisions) and nudge them in the direction you need them to go.

Each con ends with a section called If They're On to You telling you what to do if the distraction doesn't work.

Having been at this for 10 1/2 years & having 4 kids, there weren't too many tricks I haven't learned along the way, but if someone had given me this book when BabyGirl was learning to walk, it would have helped immensely with the New Mom Learning Curve.  I can't wait until there's a new mom in the family I can pre-arm with this book!

The second book is called Stuff Every Mom Should Know and it was written by Heather Gibbs and - Whitney Moss.  You may have read their blog - RookieMoms.com or seen their earlier release The Rookie Mom's Handbook.  Again, this is a great book for Newbie Moms.

It covers everything from how to swaddle your newborn to how to make Mickey Mouse pancakes like a pro to 5 things to do with your Tween that you'll both enjoy.  It's not a long or in depth book, but it covers a lot of stuff they don't teach you in Lamaze or your basic parenting class.

My favorite sections are Comebacks for Unsolicited Parenting Advice ("Really?  That sounds cool," or, "I'm glad that's working for you," or, "I've never thought about it that way."), Girl, Your a Soccer Mom Now, and Stuff You Should Know That We Can't Tell You (like the location of lovies that must be rescued in case of a fire or what your child looks like when she's lying ).

Again, this is a great book for parents just getting started but even veteran mom that I am, I picked up a few tips.

Both books come with the FarmWife seal of approval (you didn't even know there was such a thing, did you?) and they hit shelves (and Kindles) yesterday so pick them up for the next baby shower you have to attend because really, how many pacifier clips and onsies does anyone need?

Wanted: LOTR Expert

Wanted to hire for a week or two: Someone with intimate knowledge of the entire Lord of the Rings world both literary & film versions. Must have in depth knowledge of the inner workings of the minds of both J.R.R. Tolkien & Peter Jackson.

Job Description: To sit with my children & watch the movies over & over again while answering their every question no matter how obvious or obscure no matter how many times they may ask the same question.

I kid you not, BabyGirl alone must have asked no less than 200 questions tonight while watching Return of the King. That's not counting the 75 questions a piece shot out by her brothers before their bedtime came around.

"Why does Smeagol hate Sam?"
"Why doesn't Frodo believe Sam about Smeagol being bad?"
"I thought Smeagol told Gollum to go away & never come back. Why is he back?"
"Why is it so hard for Frodo to walk?"
"Why does Frodo have to go with the elves?"
"Why are the elves tall? I thought they were supposed to be short."
"Why are the Hobbits' pants so short?"
"Is the king of the ghost army the same dead guy who tried to pull Frodo down into the swamp?"
"Sam carried the ring for a while. Why isn't he going with the Elves?"
"Doesn't Frodo have a life with Sam in the Shire? Why does he have to go with the Elves?"
"Why are Gollums eyes so big?"
"Why is Gandalf white now? I thought the white wizard was bad."
"Why won't Gollum eat the bread?"
"Wouldn't they die if they got that close to the lava?"
"Is Frodo just dreaming or is Gladriel really there?"
"Why wasn't Aragon already king?"
"Why can't a man kill the Nazgul?"
"Why do they call Peregrin 'Pippin'?"
"Why is that guy trying to set his son on fire? Can't he tell he's still alive?"
"What is that giant red eye thing?"
"I thought Isildur killed Sauron. How can he be coming back?"
"How old is that guy playing Frodo?"
"Do you think he's really a pretty happy guy in real life or is he really sad like Frodo at the end?"

Understand my problem? And that's only a portion of what was asked tonight...and only while watching the last movie. I thought I had a decent working knowledge of the story having seen the movies a few times, the cartoons many times, and having read the books a time or two...but no. My kids need to know what size shoes Hobbits would wear if Hobbits ever took up shoe wearing. Next time we watch them I'm going to take a nerve pill first & just make crap up as I go along.

Oh, St.John....we do so need to talk.

First of all, your parents really should have been institutionalized for naming you Saint John. It was totally unfair & I'm pretty sure it did irreversible damage to your psyche.

Secondly, I'm sure the Lord is please that you want to serve Him in the mission field, but could you be a bit less sanctimonious about it?

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to like you for your piety & upright standing or detest you for not being Edward Rochester. Maybe it's a bit of both, but in truth, you're too good. Anne Shirley was right. I prefer a man who could be wicked but won't. I'm not sure you've got it in you at all.

I realize you are a young clergy man living life in the early to mid 1800's, but that does not mean you absolutely MUST order about every female you come into contact with. Try asking someone gently if they'd like to learn Hindustani instead of demanding they do so. I really think marrying Miss Oliver might have done you a world of good. She was a kind, free spirited young woman & might have cured you of your overt seriousness & lightened your mind.

But then I fear you revel in the despair & oppression you place upon yourself. I admire your zeal for the Lord & your love of His work, but I do not think you have to go about saying, "Praise the Lord," while you look as though your dog has just died. It does not demonstrate the Joy of the Lord in a real & tangible way. Oh, and attempting to bully someone into Christian service isn't normally the way to go either.

And might I suggest that the next time you propose marriage to a young lady you use terms less harsh? "God & nature intended you for a missionary's wife. It isn't personal, but mental endowments they have given you: you are formed for labour, not for love. A missionary's wife you must-shall be. You shall be mine: I claim you-not for my pleasure, but for my Sovereign's service." Yeah, that's not exactly what most women want to hear. I don't want to marry you because I love you but because you're tough & can live in India. And I don't really care what you want. I'm going to stamp my initials in your forehead....stand still. Are you truly surprised that Jane turned you down? You're lucky she didn't chuck a Hindustani to English dictionary at your head. I would have.

I know you were created as an Anti-Rochester so I'm trying not to hold this all against you. You are handsome where he was ugly. You are poor where he was rich. You are good where he was less than. You have faith where he had little. You were quiet & repressed where he was loud & demonstrative. Maybe you have served your purpose after all....but I still don't like you.

*For those of you left scratching your head thinking What in the world is FarmWife on about now? I apologize. I'm reading Jane Eyre for the (no less than) fifth or sixth time & just needed to vent...much like the time I chewed out Hollywood for their abuse of Fanny Price. Sorry.

Good Night, Sleep Tight

It's that time again! My friends at Quirk Books are releasing their next masterpiece. This one, while written by a master of mash-ups, is far from the "Classics" I've reviewed before. Ben H. Winters is the author of my (to-date) favorite Quirk Classic- Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, but his latest novel takes a much different turn.

Bedbugs is Mr.Winters "chilling tail of life in the perfect New York abode gone horribly wrong..." -Booklist

When I got the email from Eric asking who'd like a copy to review, I was unsure. Bedbugs? Really? Who wants to read a novel about parasites that are crazy hard to get rid of & the mere mention of can make you itchy for hours (like head lice...now, tell me you're head didn't just get itchy)? And I wasn't so sure I'd enjoy a book full of "urban paranoia." I'm a country girl, remember? But I loved Ben Winter's previous Quirk Book, so I gave it a go.

Much to my surprise & delight, I loved this book! Like-read-it-twice-in-three-weeks loved it. Like sat-&-discussed-it-for-an-hour-with-A-Starry-Night loved it. Like told-everyone-I've-talked-to-lately-they-need-to-read-it loved it. Creeptacular is the word that comes to mind.

The story revolves around Susan Wendt-an NYC mother, wife & artist moving into the perfect brownstone with her perfect husband and their perfect daughter. Enter a slightly over involved elderly landlady, bedbugs that no one else seems to see, and a healthy dose of paranoia and you have a mix that will keep your skin crawling & your heart pounding.

Bedbugs hits shelves (and Amazon and e-readers) tomorrow. You might want to pick up a bottle of Caladryl too....just in case.

Our little alarm clocks didn't go off.

The week of VBS is always the most hectic week of the summer. Without fail I set up a doctor's appointment for the FarmHands, all the corn comes in from the garden & has to be put up, it's 8,000 degrees outside, and I find a book I absolutely cannot put down.

This year is no different. I'm teaching third & fourth graders at Bible School. Monday we had check ups for everyone except B.B. Husband filled my kitchen sink with corn this morning. I'm fully invested in Bedbugs, a new, yet to be released book by Ben Winters. Add to that my incessant need to check my Facebook page & Twitter Feed and I'm like a crazy woman. Damn you, social networking sites.

Last night, after VBS, I took the FarmHands for a quick dip in the pool. They love "night swimming" and reached a fevered pitch before we made the 100 yard tromp down to the pool. By the time everyone had been bathed, snacked, and tucked in it was well after ten o'clock. I'm pretty sure BabyGirl was still roaming the house at midnight (bedtime for her is a rather loose term). I got sucked in by Mr.Winter's tale of urban paranoia and didn't get to sleep until sometime after 12:30 this morning....and then rather unwillingly. I so wanted to stay up & read through the night (fear not, dear readers- In a few weeks you will hear all about this latest piece of literature). Bitsy climbed in bed with me sometime after 1:30 and I put her back in her bed as Husband was crashing for the night/morning.

Imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning on my own- no screaming, no fighting, no random questions about super-heroes- at 9:40 am. For a brief moment I was sure I was dreaming. It had to be closer to 7. The FarmHands never sleep past 8. When I realized it wasn't a dream, my second round of thoughts were, "Are they still alive? Are they still in the house? Did they escape and we didn't hear it?" Yup, they were all fine. BabyGirl was still asleep & the others were playing happily in their bedroom. #1 Son told me they didn't wake up until nine and they stayed in their rooms as they were told.

Leave it to us to learn how to sleep in 13 days before school starts.

And I thought the FarmHands were Peculiar.

You may remember a few months back my dear friend Eric from Quirk Books sent me a teaser copy of the first few chapters of a new novel. I devoured the initial chapters in one setting & was horribly disappointed to be left hanging in literary purgatory awaiting the release of said novel. Well, guess what came in the mail this week! Go ahead, guess. Any ideas? Anyone? OK, fine. I'll tell you (spoil sports).

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Rigg





*sigh*

Something you may not know about me: I'm a sucker for old photographs. Really old photographs. The older, the better. And Miss Peregrine was a bit of a photofile (is that even a word?).


"A mysterious island. An abandoned orphanage. A strange collection of very peculiar photographs."


I've seen this book labeled a children's book, but I can tell you it is not one I'd share with the FarmHands unless I was up for a week of nightmares & sleepless children. It's not a terrifying book, but I'm sure my children are not quite ready for this:



Nor am I ready to explain the phrase "some bird that gives him a total ornithology boner," to them. I'd put it firmly in the teen/young adult category. But that doesn't mean a 35 year old mom of 4 cannot get sucked in wholeheartedly.


Jacob Portman's life is suddenly split in half- Before and After. Before being the ordinary life he lived in Florida with his parents and After being his search for the truth behind his grandfather's stories. Stories full of monsters, levitating girls, invisible boys, and caretaker birds.


The photographs are real (some from the author's own collection), the story thrilling, and the characters engaging. It all meshes together beautifully in a book unlike any I've ever read before. Oh, and have I mentioned the movie rights have been sold? But trust me, don't wait for the film. Read the book.


Ransom Rigg has officially tingled my spine and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I cannot wait to see what he comes up with next! (And his name is Ransom. How cool is that?!)

When a book makes you feel drunk.

When I was in ninth grade my English teacher, Mr.Dodd, enjoyed making us stumble through plays and short scripts aloud for his own amusement. If you've never listened to a southern 15 year old country boy attempt to read Mercutio, you simply haven't lived. Personally, I've always loved drama and being on the stage, but such is not the case with a large percentage of high school freshman.

The one title that cemented it's self in my memory was a one act version of Kafka's The Metamorphosis. I was beyond lost. This poor man woke up after being transformed into a giant cockroach. Nothing could be more confusing or horrifying to a group of kids in the midst of puberty.

Honestly, I remember little of the plot past the giant roach being trapped in his bedroom while his family freaked out & tried to decide what to do with him. But as I have learned recently, being confused & disconcerted was exactly the effect Mr.Kafka was going for....and in reality, he never actually said Mr.Samsa was a roach.

Recently a Mr.Coleridge Cook has teamed up with old Franz (and my buddies at Quirk Classics) to bring us a new, fuzzier version of the creepy giant bug man story: The Meowmorphosis. Instead of a giant bug, Gregor Samsa wakes up as a man sized kitten!

"His family freaks out: Yes, their son is OMG so cute, but what good is cute when there are bills piling up?"

In the original, Gregor remains trapped in his family's apartment as their lives continue on in spite of his creeping up walls and furniture. In the new "It's so fluffy I'm gonna' die" version, Gregor escapes into the wide world to discover he is not alone in his transformation (because really, who expects a cat to stay somewhere it doesn't really want to stay?).

In keeping with Kafka's style, Cook made me feel I was severely intoxicated while reading on more than one occasion (and in my own defense, I only had one small drink the entire time I was reading....OK, so it was a shot of vodka, but trust me when I say, the mind boggling was so not my fault). I fully intend to tackle this one again in hopes that the super-cute man kitteh will not make my brain feel like jello again.

If nothing else, this book was totally worth the read for the Discussion Questions at the end. And did I mention the pictures? Awesomely disturbing.

Ahhh, my new career.

I'm a literary critic, remember? This is much like the time my mother became a portrait photographer because Daddy got her a new point & shoot camera with a portrait setting on it. She spent an entire day taking pictures of Art, Princess, Busha and me and every time we complained she'd announce, "But I am a Portrait Photographer!"

Well, Quirk Books has been sending me books to review for my darling blog readers, so that officially makes me a Literary Critic. Soon I will begin expounding upon the memoirs of Eastern European heads of state and classic lit like Jude the Obscure. But before that I think I should tackle something a bit more in my range.....The Pregnancy Test 150 Important, Embarrassing, and Slightly Neurotic Questions by Melissa Heckscher with Emily Sikking, M.D.


When Eric (remember my friend Eric?) emailed me about reviewing the latest Quirk Book I was surprised to find it was a book on pregnancy. But then everyone else has published one. Why not Quirk? I think I'd much rather know what the folks at Quirk Books think we should expect while we're expecting than what Jenny McCarthy has to say about it.

I am packing this little pink book away to give to the next first time mom that pops up in our family. When I was preggers with the FarmHands my go-to texts were What to Expect When You're Expecting (I'm pretty sure it's required reading in these parts) and The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. I really liked them both, but The Pregnancy Test takes the best parts of both books & smashes them together in an easy to access format.

Instead of reading through an entire month of symptoms or searching through unrelated paragraphs for answers to your most neurotic (and often embarrassing) questions, The Pregnancy Test gives them to you in bite sized, easy to swallow portions. They ask you either a true/false or a multiple choice question & let you take a shot at the answer first. Turn the page & you'll find out what the experts have to say.

I wouldn't say this book is the be all, end all of pregnancy books, but I do think it would be a very handy little book to keep in your purse the entire 40 weeks you're growing a person. I wish I'd have had it way back when.....and before you ask, no, I will not be expecting again just so I can put this book to good use. Besides, after four kids I could probably write my own book on pregnancy, except that I have four kids and therefore barely have time to write a blog much less an entire book.

Blogsplosion and the Last Crusade Dreadfully Ever After

It is here, again, my dear readers. The third instalment of Blogsplosion hosted by our friends at Quirk Classics! These are the days I blog for: days full mayhem, zombies, ninjas, classic mash-ups, and free books. And this time around I'm going to pass the fun on to you all!

If you'll remember, last year I blogged about Android Karenina and my darling mother won a prize pack from Quirk Classics full of literary goodies. (A prize pack I got to delve into and enjoy the Quirk!) This time around, there are prizes from far & wide....Far being Facebook and Wide being here on the Farm. But first, you must allow me to wax poetic about zombies (a much easier task than waxing poetic about head lice).

In P&P&Z: Dawn of the Dreadfuls, Mr.Steve Hockensmith introduced us to the strange plague ravaging England. Something unknown had caused the dead to rise from their graves in search of human flesh. A once respectable family named Bennett was soon, much by necessity, made to take up arms against hordes of Unmentionables changing the lives of the 5 daughters of Mr. Bennett forever.

In P&P&Z, we read of the exploits of the warrior tribe of Bennett sisters and their on-going search for suitable husbands. In the end, Miss Elizabeth Bennett found her match not only in love, but in combat as well. She and Mr.Fitzwilliam Darcy were wed much to the chagrin of The Great Lady Catherine de Bourgh, aunt of the groom.

In the third installment of this classic love/zombie story, we learn of the horrible effects of this strange plague when Mr.Darcy himself falls prey to a stray Unmentionable. As Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After continues, Lizzy is faced with the nearly unbearable and yet only acceptable course of action: to promptly behead her dear husband. But before she follows through, she discovers there may be a chance to save her true love. But can she do what is necessary to save Fitzwilliam from this fate worse than death?

I have to say, even with something as tragic as the thought of Mr.Darcy being defiled, I loved this book. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats. No, wait, that's something else.

I really did enjoy it. For those of you who may be Austin purists, set aside your preconceived notions and read it just for larks. It's worth it. It in no way has spoiled the love I have for the original Un-zombiefied version. It's all apples and oranges to me. Think less classic-literature-adulterated and more zombie-books-risen-to-new-heights.

As the back cover blurb says, P&P&Z: Dreadfully Ever After brings the story to a thrilling conclusion complete with romance, heartbreak, martial arts, cannibalism, and an army of shambling corpses. Chocked full of surprises (you've always wondered what was to become of Mary Bennett, haven't you....or just how long Wickham and Lydia could make their scandalously patched up marriage work), Dreadfully Ever After does not disappoint.

Now, for the goodies. For one lucky reader, I have a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After to give away. Just leave a comment on this post and at the end of the week, say Friday night, I will draw a name. Then (hopefully in a much more timely manner than when I sent Brando Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters) I will dispatch the book to your mail box. Excited yet?

As if that were not enough, pop on over to Facebook and click "like" on the new Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After page and you will be entered to win one of eight Zombie Antidote necklaces! Now I know you're excited!

Get to clicking folks, but more importantly, get to reading!

I fear I am in love with another man.

His name is Eric. He works for Quirk Publishing. And he sends me free books. Shhhh, don't tell FarmBoy. I'm not sure he could handle the shock. Besides, I've already crushed him twice this weekend by pointing out that his legs and fingers aren't what one would call long. I'd hate for him to find out I'm secretly pining for a man who works with literature.

If you've been here for any length of time, you may recall that I've been involved with the folks at Quirk Classics for the past year or so. I've had the opportunity to read advanced copies of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls and Android Karenina for their Blogsplosion events. Just last week I got my newest book in the mail: Pride & Prejudice & Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After. *happy sigh*

I will tell you more about it on the twenty-second of this month.

The day after I finished reading it, another package arrived in the mail....a second copy with a small bonus. I've decided the second copy will be a Blogsplosion Give Away (contain yourselves, folks). But the small bonus was what really piqued my interest.

It was a small booklet with an odd photograph of a little girl on the cover. As I am a sucker for old photos, it immediately made me forget about the housework that lingered and the lunch I should have been cooking for Husband. Instead I flopped down on the living room floor and dug in.

Much to my chagrin, I soon realized that this was not the full book. No, those horrid people at Quirk Books had send me an advanced copy of the first few chapters. Just enough, as I told Eric, to reel me in like a herring. Now I feel I am flopping around on deck waiting for someone to toss me back in the brink.

Luckily, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (as the book is titled) is set to be released in June and that lovely man, Eric, has promised to put my name on the list of folks needing to review it. Yes, I said needing.

This may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship....and my new career as a literary critic. I can so do this...as long as no one expects me to follow general rules of grammer or be able to spell.

No one loves Poor Fanny Price.

Except me. I love her. I love her just as she is. I do not wish her to be someone she is not. I only wish others to love Fanny simply for being Fanny.

If you currently have no clue as to what I am referring, you have not read Mansfield Park by Miss Jane Austen. I hadn't read it until a few years back, preferring instead to read & re-read the much loved Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility, or Emma. Then my mother went on a quest to fill out my Austen library to it's entirety. I now own every novel she ever wrote including the unfinished ones. And Mansfield Park is brilliant.

The problem being its heroine.

"Mary Crawford is, so it seems, the very model of a Jane Austen heroine. Spirited, warm-hearted, and, above all else, witty, she displays all the familiar Austen virtues, and she stands in need of the familiar Austen lessons as well......But Mary Crawford is not the heroine of Mansfield Park- Fanny Price is...." Amanda Claybaugh, Associate Professor of English and comparative literature at Columbia University.

The lovely folks at Austenprose.com have even tackled the question of why Fanny Prices rankles our ire.

You see, Fanny is a good girl. She is shy, retiring, quiet, well behaved, timid, and more than a bit insecure. Fanny is not dazzling. She does not sparkle. She does not hold the room's attention. She is entirely too plane Jane. And I adore her for it.

The film industry, on the other hand, despises Poor Fanny. They cannot leave the poor waif alone. Heaven forbid a movie be made about a genuinely good person. Instead they attempt to make Fanny more daring, more interesting, more Hollywood. They warp her into an aspiring author or a closet feminist.

I have seen portions of 2 versions of MP and could finish neither. Both versions went completely against who Fanny was. Both versions tried to force her to be someone she simply is not. I've read that the 1980's version of the film (possibly a mini-series?) sticks much closer to Miss Austen's original character & story. I would really like to see for my self.

But in the meantime, could we all please leave Miss Price in peace...and quit trying to drastically change the person Miss Austen created?

(Yes, I realize just how hypocritical this sounds in light of the fact that I adore Pride & Prejudice & Zombies and Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters.....but they are open and hones, as well as a bit tongue in cheek, about their adaptations of these classics. Therefore I wholeheartedly forgive them....but not the villains who've tainted Poor Fanny.)