August 27, 2010

Big plans for a small step.

Today may have been the culmination of the past few months of feeling blah. Today I cried...quite a bit. Not one giant sobbing mess, more like a few tears here & a few more there....all day long. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm aggravated. I'm angry. I'm lonely. I'm apathetic. I'm depressed.

Yup. I'm depressed. Really depressed. This goes way beyond just feeling blah. I told Busha today I have three moods: angry, sad, and apathetic. This is no way to live. It's pretty miserable.

I've finally come to the conclusion that it is time to get help. Serious help. Not "chat with your best girlfriend over a bottle of Chablis" help. The kind folks go to school for 7 years before they're allowed to help. Talking to Art & my mom has helped me come to this conclusion. I can't say I've ever really headed down this road before. I was in therapy a total of 2 days before I decide to move to Illinois in the first place. I'm pretty sure Husband doesn't understand any of this. He was raised in an area (and by people) who live by the idea that you do what you must & that's all you need.

I haven't made an appointment yet. Unkie Di works in a field where she comes in contact with many mental health professionals, so I'm going to talk to her about finding a good Psychiatrist.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I know this isn't going to be easy. I tend to try to down play my lousy feelings. I make light of hurts. I laugh it off when people comment on hard stuff. How exactly do I go about laying it all out for a total stranger? How do I get past feeling guilty weighing some else down with all my baggage? Can you fail therapy? Guess you have to start it first.

6 comments:

Aimee said...

It's really scary to start therapy. It may not be easy the first appointment or three, either. But, keep at it. It WILL be worth it!

Been there, done that, happy to live and tell about it. :-)

Mim said...

You'll know right away if the therapist is going to work for you. Listen to your gut. #1 rule is be honest with the therapist and yourself. That's the hardest part. Good luck, I'll be praying for you. Know that your aren't alone.

Inkling said...

Good for you. If you can't find a good psychiatrist in your area, I know of an awesome Christian one in STL. He is a great guy and you could totally trust him. Plus, he listens more than the average psychiatrist. Most of them just do the meds part and then send you to a psychologist or LPC for counseling. STL is far, but you'd only go once a month or every few months depending on what type of meds you used, plus he will do phone appointments if necessary. (at least he used to) Let me know if you want his name down the road. Hopefully, you'll find a good one in your area.

Rae said...

Keeping you in my prayers....

T Moss said...

Good for you. Knowing you need help is the firt sign of healing so you are on your way. I read your blog everyday but don't comment, guess that makes me a lurker...lol. I still take Lexipro and something else that I can't remember for anxiety and do very well. In the past I was in therapy and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I learned so much about myself and how to deal with things I have no control over. So think of therapy as your own little get away. One whole hour just to concentrate on YOU.

Keep us posted; we are all here for you.

Anonymous said...

I am a farm wife also and a few years ago i knew i needed help and when i finally decided to talk to my dr. i found out it was a hormone deficiency. she put me on a light anti-dep. i cried for a month before filling the prescrip. i didnt want to be a nut case. after taking it for a week i felt soo much better and my husband couldnt believe the diff. just because you need a little extra help does'nt mean you're a nutcase. best of luck to you.