August 26, 2010

I'm beginning to wonder.....

As you may remember Doc put me on Prozac a year ago last May. Things were great for a while then leveled off to OK, and eventually settled in the land of apathy. That's where they stayed for months so I began weaning myself off the Prozac. I've been off of it for about 4 months now....and things are not pretty.

At first, there was no change. I was the same off the meds as on. Kind of tired (I'm a mom of 4, I expect tired). Kind of cranky every now & then (I'm a mom of 4, I expect cranky). Kind of apathetic.

But lately things seem to be taking a turn for the worse. Fourth grade make-up work should not reduce one to tears and skin crawling tense-ness...especially when one is not in fourth grade. The constant feeling of fingernails on a chalk board I've been living with for the past month is not really pleasant.

After B.B. was born I'm pretty sure I suffered from a slight case of PPD. Since I was still functioning, I didn't think much of it. If you suffer from depression you sleep all the time, right? You quit picking up after your kids, right? You let everything around you fall into total decline while you nap or watch hours of mind numbing television, right? So the act of washing dishes and cooking mean I'm not depressed, right?

When do you give in and say "I need help"? When you become suicidal? I'm not there. I'm no where near there. When you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Don't think I'm quite there either. When you cease to function as a parent/member of society? I'm not there.

I'm just....nowhere. Yup. That about sums it up. I'm pretty well Meh all the time. Does that make sense? There is no joie de'vivre. No lust for life. There is just Blah. Piles & piles of blah. Loads & loads of Pbth. Mountains of ugh.

What to do........

8 comments:

Sarah @ Ordinary Days said...

You don't know how bad I wish I could just swing by and take you out for dinner and drinks! It would do us BOTH a world of good.

Venting, I wold say. Vent and then vent some more. Talk to friends, me included and make sure you let the Mr. in on what you're feeling (or not feeling).

Love you!

Ang said...

It's time my dear. I'm in therapy myself in dealing all that I deal with and on medication. Today was a day I wanted to run away and cry.(And I even had a therapy session today too)

make sure you get you time, to just be around adults, vent, laugh and have fun.

Staci said...

Yesterday was the first day of school at my house. This morning I'm thinking that I should be elated that the house is all mine - no one is here.

Instead I read your post and realized that you've absolutely nailed my situation (except mine is Effexor-induced). There's not a single bed made, stuff piled in every single room, bathrooms in need of serious attention, and I just want to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head.

And it's supposed to rain all day long.

Really isn't looking good for me today. Perhaps a walk on the treadmill would help - except I've already showered. Wouldn't want to have to do that twice...

Penny said...

I take a daily dose of Prozac..started 5 years ago when hubby's 2 sons were driving me insane...I was blah..cried alot..no interest in much of anything..I say go back on the meds..and start your day with God..I think a good morning prayer can make a huge difference in a day..take care!!

Kork said...

I personally don't like the feeling I get being on "meds"...but if you notice a difference, perhaps a reevaluation?

At any rate - when I get that bleh feeling, I really have to be careful! I used to turn to retail therapy, somehow, buying something special or new or "splurgy" made me feel better.

These days, I just have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and really ask myself why I'm at home with my kids, why I decided not to go back to work...when that doesn't work I have to find another grown-up and vent - not look for solutions, just blow off some steam.

When that doesn't work? I hit the punching bag!

Inkling said...

Barefoot Pinot Noir. Less than $6. You can even get it at Target nowadays....and maybe even at a store in your area. Tastes way better than Prozac. =)

Just kidding.

Do whatever works for you. There are more modern meds out there that I've been told work wonders. Haven't tried them yet, but just may someday down the road.

I love the punching bag idea. I wish I could say something magical to make you feel way better than bleh. But I don't have anything magical. Not even a wand. Just hugs from afar.

Oh, and your word verification for this comment? ascran....which I can only assume is some kind of ass crayon. Hopefully it's washable.

Layla said...

What do you do for you? I read your blog, and obviously I enjoy reading about your kids or I wouldn't read it...but you don't really talk about yourself or what you like or what you do other than raise kids. Is this too simple a suggestion coming from someone that is not a parent? It probably is, in which case, tell me to shut up and go away. But I really think you need something that is YOU. Not just you + them.

Jaimie said...

Hugs to you! I'm usually just a lurker (you're a great writer BTW!), but had to tell you that I too wish there was something magical that would make it all better. Been there and never want to go there again - it sucks! It WILL get better! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself (I know that's a feat in itself when you have kids). Thinking of you out here in Northern Cali.