I'm trying, really I am.
Last night was bad. Very bad. I was lonely. The kids were miserable. Husband has to work today & possible Monday. The house was a mess. I flubbed up part of the Top Secret Project. It's been cloudy & rainy all week. Christmas Spirit felt like it was flitting about just outside of my reach. I thought about packing the little people all up in the van, sick or not, to drive around & look at Christmas lights in an attempt to cultivate it. Then I realized we couldn't because B.B. can't be far away from the toilet due to the antibiotics. Instead I stood in the laundry room & cried so the kids couldn't hear me.
I felt like an idiot. I am so very blessed. My kids are, if not totally healthy, at least getting that way. There are no major issues with their health. we live in a time & place where strep is easily combated with a week of Omnicef. My husband had a good job. He has a modicum of job security. We have insurance (making the Omnicef much easier to come by). Our furnace is working. We have a closet full of wrapped gifts for the kids to open Tuesday morning. The fridge (while running low due to a needed trip to the store) is not empty...neither is the pantry. Things are far from horrible...so why do I have such a case of the blues?
I'm the girl who normally starts singing Christmas carols in October, can decorate on Thanksgiving, wants to start shopping in August, has most of The Night Before Christmas memorized, a good deal of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and am working on the Christmas story from the book of Luke (yeah, I know, I should prioritize better). This year I can't seem to muster anything resembling excitement about the holidays.
Then last night I finished reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever to the kids. The Imogen Herdman was protectively burping the Christ Child and silently weeping, her brothers were bringing Him their Christmas ham, and Gladys was shouting at the trembling Shepherds, "Hey! Unto you a child is born!" I nearly wept.
It doesn't matter if I don't see a single string of lights, if we never listen to Bing Crosby sing White Christmas, if there isn't a single gift under the tree, if I never feel the need to bake a ginger bread man, if we don't get to eat ham & cranberry salad with our extended family. What matters is that God sent Jesus to Bethlehem 2,000 years ago. What matters is that the Lord loves me enough that Christ would have come if only to save me...if only to save any one of us. What matters is what Gladys Herdman shouted at the audience, "Hey! Unto you a child is born!" Unto you. Unto me. Unto us all.
They say love is a choice. This year Christmas may have to be a choice for me, but I promise, it will be Christmas regardless.
4 comments:
Dearest Farmie - I know that of which you speak...my posts only show a bit of what is REALLY going on around our house...but in an attempt to keep up a good front, I'm trying to find my groove, and keep telling myself "put on a happy face"...
Hug your babies, scrub the germs out, know that the end of the ickies is in sight, and that you are absolutely RIGHT...no matter what is going on around us, and who we are with, Christmas is the day that waaay back when, Christians said "today we celebrate the day of Christ's birth!". The importance is the reason behind all the stuff we've since started.
I love you heaps, and wish I could be closer, so that I could come and help, and give you a giant hug.
it is hard for us to capture that magic feeling that we had before our lives became all about wiping noses and butts, but watching it through their eyes makes it magical, if we could only get past all the crud that fills the season. but the most important thing is that your kids are going to grow up with a sense of how important this day is because of Jesus and him alone! all the rest of it falls into the background when we think about the real reason for us to celebrate.
Amen, Farmie, Have a wonderful Christmas. Sorry about Hub having to work. The kids are gorgeous...even though their faces in this post seem a bit jaundiced. JK! They really are adorable though.
Merry Christmas my friend.
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