October 4, 2011


I have very recently discovered in myself the capacity for hate. I'm talking about blinding hatred that makes you wish someone not only dead but burning in hell. I've never felt this before & I do not like it. I've felt anger. I've felt disgust with people. But I have never wished the torments of hell on someone before. Never.

I'm being starkly honest here in a way I am not normally. I vent frustrations here. I get aggravated & rant, but I rarely unleash my inner darkness.

Someone is threatening a person I love. I cannot be more specific than that, so please do not ask.

In the past I've felt serious dislike for people. I've wanted nothing to do with certain individuals. I've wanted people to drop off the face of the earth. But never have I wished the things I wish on this person before. Yes, I know this is completely hypocritical. I know that I blogged about God's grace & forgiveness when Bin Laden was killed. I know that I've preached love for people who hate me. I've written about mercy & kindness quite a few times. But none of that changes what I'm feeling in my gut at this minute.

Part of the issue is that this is deeply personal. Bin Laden didn't touch my life in a daily manner. This person does. I know that doesn't make this right, but at the moment, I'm not going for right. I'm going for honest & raw. God knows I feel this way. He's the only thing that's going to get me through this. There's no point in lying about it & trying to cover it up. He knows my innermost being. He knows when I'm mad enough to stab someone. I might as well lay it out on the table & let Him go to work on me. I'm also hoping that my feeling this horrible turmoil may help someone else who's struggling. I would never want anyone to think that you have to be perfect and think good things all the time to be a Christan. God knows we're flawed. He accepts & loves us as we are. That is the truly amazing thing about grace.

I am struggling. I understand that the damage that I inflict will only be on myself & that my hatred will in no way bind the person it's directed towards.

As I was writing this post, I popped over to Facebook to check out the happenings & this was one of the first things in my feed:

Now, I do not believe in coincidence. I also know I'm light years away from forgiving this individual for the harm they are inflicting, but deep down, I hope & pray that someday the peace that passes understanding will heal this hurt & allow forgiveness to begin. Until then, I can only do my best to try to keep my head above water & not drown in hatred.


areyoukiddingme said...

I can tell you from experience that this uncomfortable feeling will eventually pass, even if you never make it as far as forgiveness. I have to work with some people who have caused harm to my family. After 5 years, I have progressed from burning, raging hatred to what is essentially indifference. And upon reflection, I should say it wasn't so much hatred as anger at their actions and the injustices they've inflicted. I feel nothing for these people - while I don't wish for or cheer the misfortune that they experience, I do not sympathize with them either. Instead, I simply see it as fate/karma/God paying them back for what they've put my family through.

I think it's OK to be angry and to have a human being be the focus of your anger. You can try to douse the flames of that anger, but it won't work until the other person stops feeding the flame. I hope that the situation changes for you and your loved ones soon.

Kork said...

Praying for you. Dealing with this in my own life daily...and I'd like to tell you that after decades it gets easier and the ugly feelings go away, but I haven't made it to that point yet.

In the meantime, in as much as you can, stay away from the person.

And remember that you can always call me. I will let you vent your ugliness free of judgment whenever you need.

And send your family love and hugs from me.

Inkling said...

I hear you. I'm rather good at hating and desiring murder and utter destruction of various people, so I know where you are coming from. And I also know the pain of bitterness that grows inside. Praying for you for a sweetness to rise up in its place, for protection for your loved one, and for God to step in and do amazing things for everybody. I'll even pray that He helps Baby Girl with her homework. ;) I love you and love your honesty. That is the best way after all.