October 18, 2011

Dearest Readers,

Rage is bubbling up in me once again. I can feel the anger seeping out my pores. It's like a festering boil that I can't help but poke over & over & over again. I am on the verge of smearing it all over my clothing & reveling in the hideousness of it all. I feel the need to shoot something but it's raining & dark & I'm all out of aerosol cans (they're the most rewarding of the scrap metal targets).

Instead, I would really like a bit of a pick me up. Let me rephrase that- I really need someone to yank me up out of this pit of loathing I'm currently holed up in & make me laugh whether I like it or not.

Please, Readers Dear, make me laugh.


Anonymous said...

To quote my son this afternoon:

"Mom! I have some bad news..This morning I stepped on lucky charm"

Me: "okay..so clean it up"..

"Mom...Don't you understand..This is really bad"

Me: "so clean it up"

"Mom!!! The whole world is going to know me as a cereal killer now!!"

sarah at secret housewife said...

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

A Wonkey...

Sorry x

Inkling said...

I think you should hire a hit man. The world would thank you. Surely it isn't illegal to shoot such an ugly buzzard who looks like the incarnation of the first fallen angel.

Oh, you wanted me to make you laugh. It's hard to since I agree with you so thoroughly. I bet they'd shoot him in Texas just because.

Okay, so on to laughing.....I've been sneezing, coughing, and blowing my nose for so many days now and with such force that all of my southern organs are prolapsed. Ironically this has happened in one of our southernmost states. It's kind of comforting to hear, "Y'all right there, Ma'am?" just after I've peed myself and involuntarily popped out a feminine hygiene product for the 14th time in a morning. I find this humorous because it is rather entertaining to imagine myself being bluntly honest with the polite young pharmacy clerk who expressed his concern as I was checking out with the latest arsenal of products to beat this bug. "Sure, I'm all right. I just peed myself and lost a tampon here at the front counter. But don't worry! Your floor is still clean and I'm on my way out. Those there poise pads you sell sure do a fine job, now don't they?! Thank you kindly for asking!"

And did I mention that I practically teared up the first time someone opened a door for me here? And again when two employees welcomed me so enthusiastically at Cracker Barrel on the way here? I think Heaven will be like the South, only people will be real and nobody will be prejudiced. Oh, and even you will like to wear big bows. ;)

I love you cousin. Not enough to go to prison for life on your behalf, though ever so tempting. But I do love you and I hope this pain ends soon, preferably in a really good and satisfying way for the "good gals".