You can call me Hellen Wheels.

A few weeks back, Husband & I were discussing the wardrobe choices of women who ride lawn mowers. I know this is a sweeping generalization, I'm sure there are many, many women who wear pressed linen capris and beautiful floral print blouses and large straw sun hats while mowing perfectly even lines in their lawns on their zero point turn radius 63 inch mowing decks, but lately, all I've seen are the 45 year old, slightly overweight women in sports bras, tube tops, or bikinis paired with flip flops & daisy dukes with their ponytails as high on their heads as humanly possible putting around on their 1983 Sears Craftsman mowers. It makes me wonder, do they think that the lawn tractors they're tulling about on are equipped with cloaking shields a la Star Trek? Are they some how invisible to the naked eye making it OK to mow in a hot pink tube top & curlers in the middle of the afternoon?

Teenage girls should not be doing this, much less women of a more advanced age & therefore knowledge. A tank top & shorts is perfectly acceptable attire. Booty shorts & a string bikini top, not so much.

I told Husband he needed to teach me to use his mower so I could buy a neon bikini & spend my days mowing our 2 acre yard while sunning myself to a crispy golden brown. His reply? "Woman, stay away from my mower."

I've only mowed twice in my life. Once when I was in high school because I felt like it and once when I was 19 or 20 because I had a crazy room mate (not Art) who spent 2 months in California (long story). But never once have I mowed since Husband & I married.

He spent the first year we were in the country push mowing our lawn. It was a grueling, miserable, sun burnt task & I hated that he had to do it....but not so much that I'd volunteer to take over his lawn duties. We also had a deal that once I quit work to stay home with the FarmHands, all indoor duties were mine & all out door chores were his. Who was I to infringe on his space? When he finally got a riding mower (yes, it's a Sears Craftsman), he insisted I ride around on it. He was so proud of it. I couldn't really say no....as much as I wanted to. I took a quick ride across the front yard, then abdicated. I was still recovering from B.B.'s birth (C-section) and was in no mood to be vibrated half to death. Since then, I've stuck with the 4 wheeler when I wanted some off road fun.

Last week, the mower battery died. I picked up a new one at Sears on Friday & Husband hooked it up to his baby mower. Then he headed off to put a new belt on our tiller so he could work up the garden, but he left the mower running to be sure the battery was properly charged. After a few minutes he says, "You can take Bitsy & drive around the yard on the mower." WHAT?! Me? Touch his mower?!

Before the afternoon came to a close, I had not only driven a few laps around our yard, but actually mowed 2 swipes around the garden & down the path to it so he could run the tiller without tromping through knee high weeds.

Bitsy was very impressed with my mowing prowess & Husband was very patient with my complete ineptitude with anything mechanical.

This may be the beginning of a new relationship between me & lawn equipment.

Then again, maybe not.

The weed eater & I despise each other.