A hard look back.

I should preface this by saying this is not an easy post for me to write, but I feel like I need to get this all down in black & white. It's a part of my life I would rather not revist, but since I can't afford therapy, I will blog.

In 1998 Gweneth Paltrow starred in a movie called Sliding Doors. It wasn't a particularly good movie as I recall, but it did have a very interesting concept. The movie follows a young woman down two separate paths. On one path she catches a train home & catches her boyfriend in bed with another woman & her life changes for the better. On the other path (which is shown in parallel) she misses the train & spends a rather miserable life supporting her cheating boyfriend.
Last night I got a glimpse of my sliding door. I've mentioned my ex-boyfriend Willy a time or two around here, but I don't think I've ever really more than scratched the surface in the blogsphere.

I met him when I was a senior in high school & he was a freshman, 2 1/2 years younger than me. I was dating Stoffer so there was never anything more between us than a mild flirtation. When I came home from my first year in college, he asked me out. I said no. He argued. A lot. And he was good at arguing. I knew he was not the kind of man (I use the term loosely as he was only 16 at the time) I wanted or needed in my life, but instead of listening to reason I let myself be charmed. He was very charming, very good at talking people into things. He actually made an art of manipulation. He could talk anyone into anything, or so it seemed.

Within a few weeks we were dating. Things got very serious very quickly & I fell hard. Not something I'm proud of in retrospect. I'm so much smarter than that. I knew better. Looking back, I was really stupid. But I've also learned I was not the only one to be manipulated by him. Not by a long shot.

After a few months everything started to fall apart. We were fighting. He was distant. I felt like I was playing second fiddle to something, but I couldn't figure out what. He broke up with me the day before New Year's Eve. I was devastated. I quit eating. I slept constantly. I couldn't cope at all. I also knew, deep down, that he had cheated on me. Willy flat refused to admit any such thing, but I knew he was lying.

After a few months I started to put myself back together to an extent. I was told by many, many friends that he had indeed cheated on me, but he still denied it. He would call or come see me & beg to be friends. He'd cry that I was his best friend & he hated that we couldn't even have that anymore. Eventually he admitted that he'd cheated on me & I decided that we could try the "friend thing."

A few months later I started seeing some one from one of my college classes. As soon as Willy found out, he became very persistent about spending time with me. He'd call or come see me at work. As soon as he found out I had a new boyfriend he called & told me he was still in love with me. I tried brushing him off, but he was persistent. On my birthday he gave me a box full of mementos from our relationship that he'd kept. It was a blatant manipulation, but I was too raw emotionally to see through it. I broke up with the new boyfriend & got back together with Willy.

We were on again/off again for about 18 months. Finally my entire life began to unravel & it seemed he was pulling at the threads. I hated my job, I hated my roommate (not Art at this point), I was in debt, I had no car, I had no money, and I had broken up with Willy yet again. I called Daddy & asked if I could move back home. By this time QM & I could hardly speak without fighting & Daddy was torn apart by it all. It was, hands down, the worst my relationship with my parents has ever been. QM & Daddy knew my coming home would never work (they saw things much clearer than I did at that time) and they arranged for me to move to Illinois to live with Uncle Gick & Unkie Di.

I wasn't thrilled with the idea of being 4 hours away from my friends, but I didn't know what else to do. I decided to move during one of two weeks Willy and I weren't speaking. When he found out, he was not happy & began worming his way back into my life again before I left.

I moved in August & we kept in contact on & off for a few months, but nothing changed. When I wanted to be in a relationship, he wanted nothing to do with it. When I wanted out, he couldn't live without me. In February I drove to Tennessee for Art's wedding. That weekend things got very clear.

Willy had always dabbled a bit in drugs, but I tried not to think much of it. A little pot now & then, once or twice I knew he'd dropped acid, but I thought it wasn't a big deal. When I got home for Art's wedding he had gone way down hill. Lots of LSD, lots of pot, probably a lot of alcohol, and unless my memory is really playing tricks on me, he'd started dabbling in meth (I had no clue what meth was at the time). When I came back to Illinois after Art's wedding, I knew things had to end.

A little over a month later, FarmBoy asked me out & the rest is history...sort of. When Willy found out FarmBoy & I were getting serious, he started calling again. At first I blew it off, but then I remembered something he'd said the last time we'd officially broken up. I asked him why he'd fought so hard to get me back only to give up on our relationship before it ever really got started again. He said it was because I was seeing someone else. I think his exact words were, "I can't stand to see you with someone else." He only ever really wanted me when he couldn't have me. This time I saw his tactics for what they were, manipulation. I told him I wanted no part of him & that he could take a flying leap.

He called one more time after that....9 months after Husband & I were married. Husband was furious & wanted to rip Willy through the phone. I wouldn't let him talk knowing full well this was my demon & I had to exercise him myself. Willy said, "You don't sound happy to hear from me." I told him I was not & that I was pretty sure I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. He tried to explain, but I hung up & never heard from him again.

A few weeks ago, Art found Willy's little brother on Facebook. They talked a time or two & last week he told her Willy wanted to talk to her. She debated for a while before calling him. He told her he was doing very well. Clean & sober, a college graduate with a double major, a published author, in a happy relationship, doing very well. A few days later she spoke to his mother & his little brother. Their story was very, very different from his. They told Art that every thing he'd told her was a lie.

He left his wife out of the blue for another woman. He may have finished one year of college, but never came close to graduating. He's very heavy into drugs & is not healthy because of his prolonged use. There was much more, and none of it was good. His own family has had to distance themselves from him because of his lies & manipulation. He is not only prone to addiction, but he has a very addictive personality. He's charismatic & uses that to his advantage regardless of the cost to others.

To be honest, the news was not a great shock. The initial news that he was doing well was a huge shock. The fact that it was all a lie was much more what I expected.

When Art & I were talking last night I had a bit of a hard time with this. Not because I miss him (not at all!), but because I could see how close I came to walking this path with him. Art pointed out that this was just one more way God has taken care of me.

She was right. I cannot tell you how many hours I spent crying & praying that things would work out between Willy & me. I cannot tell you how close I came to throwing away everything for this man who did not want me, but didn't want anyone else to have me. It's a frightening thought. I know that God was the only thing that stood between me & that cliff.

Now I'm not saying God pushed Willy down the path he's on. Far from it. But I know the Lord knew what lay in his future & knew what would have become of me had I been a part of it.

Last night I saw my husband & my children in a whole new light. After 3 days of sickness & frustration, I wasn't feeling very loving or patient towards any of them. Last night I realized once again what blessings they all are to me. I have a husband who loves me from the bottom of his heart even if he's not demonstrative about it. He works hard for us. He takes amazing care of us. He puts our needs before his. He is honest & kind. We have four beautiful children who will never have to worry about their dad walking out on them.

And I thank God for seeing a much bigger picture than I ever could have.