August 2, 2008

Floating along

I'm not sure where this post will go, so bear with me and be warned.

Aunt Anita posted about weeding. Inkling posted about the enemy battling God for control of our hearts as a family. I read another blog that talked about Moses's mother setting him adrift on the Nile trusting him entirely to the Lord. To say my faith is being tested is an understatement.

In the past 12 months there's been a lot on my plate. Most of the issues have not been directly mine, but they have touched the people I love the most. Heart attack, stroke, quadruple bypass, stents, diabetes, biopsies, kidney trouble, surgery, job loss, homes sold, financial troubles, cancer, disorders, therapy, miscarriage, no insurance, broken bones, ICU, trips to the ER........the list seems to go on & on & on.

The morning after our trip to the ER with Husband I was tired. I was scared. I was frustrated. We didn't know what was happening. I found myself running through Wal-Mart trying to get him some pain medicine & praying nothing would happen while I was gone (his mom was home with him & the kids). As I turned the corner into the pharmacy area, there stood Unkie Di. I looked at her & nearly burst into tears. "Unkie Di, I'm sick of this crap. When is it going to end?"

She replied, "It's not honey. This is it."

I was floored. What does she mean this is it? This can't be it. Life can't really be one disaster after another. Who wants to deal with this? Who wants to be ripped out of bed in the middle of the night for the next emergency over & over again? Who can cope with all this drama?

Then it hit me. She's right. I'm not 12 anymore. The people I love, the people who've been a protective hedge around me my entire life are not young. They are not the late 20 somethings early 30 somethings they were when I was growing up.

At the hospital after Bucka's bypass I ran into Bubba. He had been looking for Busha, QM & HT. He asked a nurse if she'd seen, "Two old ladies & a baby." Princess was shocked. "Mama's not an old lady, Bubba! She'll slap you if she hears that." It reminded me of listening to my mom & her brothers discuss their aunts & uncles. One of them said, "You know, we're who Mom & Dad were a few years back. Mom & Dad & the Aunties are who Grandma was. We're not the kids anymore."

In my side bar it says, "I think someday I'll feel like a grown up, but today is not the day." I'm wondering if that day isn't fast approaching. After she got onto Bubba for calling Mama & Busha old women, I told Princess, "We're who they were when we were kids. They're the grandmas & great-grandmas now." It's hard to change the way you think of yourself & the people you love.

My great grandmothers (I had three living when I was a kid. The last passed away about 9 years ago) always seemed so ancient to me. Busha and Bucka and Grandma & Grandpa M&M cannot possibly be as old as Granny & Little Grandma were...but they are.

So yes, this is it. I've reached the time in my life where my protective hedge is wilting. It's falling away. I know this has to happen for those of us living inside it to learn & thrive & grow. It's the natural progression of life.... but I'd rather stay safely tucked away surrounded by generations.

Now I must trust God to walk me through not just these struggles, but the rest of my life. The life in which I may have no one to lean on but Him. Who is the hedge of protection for my grandparents now that their parents are all gone? The Lord. Who will be the hedge of protection around my parents when my grands are gone? The Lord. In reality, He is the hedge now. Always has been. My family can do nothing to truly protect me just as I can do nothing to truly protect my children. All of us are in His hands. That's where we belong.

Why am I only seeing this now? Isn't it common sense? The Lord who took the baby in the basket to the hands of Pharaoh's daughter is the same Lord who's holding me in the palm of his hand. All my worry and all my fretting cannot add one second to the life of my loved ones. It didn't keep Aunt Anita's test results clean. It didn't prevent my Daddy from developing diabetes. It won't help anyone. So why do I cling to it?

As I said in the beginning, I have no idea where this post was it a stream of consciousness post. Things I needed to get down on virtual paper.

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely,
And long for heaven and home?
When Jesus is my portion,
A constant friend is he.
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me.
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me.
I sing because I'm happy.
I sing because I'm free.
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me.


Anita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anita said...

Thank you . We do know that our strength and protection can only come from the Lord. I not only know it, I am counting on it. This is what it is and it will be dealt with, not by doctors or nurses or even myself, but from the Lord. He will deal with it, he will hold us, he will walk us through this and all of the other things in this life. Thanks for the song lyrics, I needed that.
Aunt Anita

3:55 PM

Anonymous said...

my thoughts are with you and your entire family. the endurance and strength that is needed for each of you..Many prayers are being said for all of you

Anonymous said...

I have been clinging to this hymn all week and in fact for a couple of years now. Thank you for sharing.

Mrs.X said...

I think your hedge of protection did it's job beautifully - they allowed you to grow up with love and safety and comfort and not having to deal with crisis, after crisis. They also gave you the tools to handle the crises that come up in everyone's lives and those of the ones that they love - so that when they do reach that age where their health begins to take center stage, you are prepared to handle it with the grace that you are now.

And, it is wonderful that these events have helped reinforce your faith because it will bring you much comfort in the trials that lay ahead. Remember, that there will always be trials, either for you or for someone you love. You know the most important part which is that worrying about them won't change them. The key is how you respond to them.

And I think you do just fine. Hugs.

Kork said...

you do great Farmie...and, yes, it stinks to think about the generations before going Home, but think about it this way...they have prepared and helped to shape you into who you are doing the same for the FarmHands, and any other generations you come into contact with...God knows exactly what you need when you need it...we just have to get out of our own way, and let His blessings fall.

We've been praying for you and yours, and will continue to do so...Capt Chaos now includes you all in his own special version of your names...

emily said...

"I know not what the future holds
But I know who holds the future
It's a secret known only to Him

In this world of fear and doubt
On my knees I ask the question
Why a lonely, heavy cross I must bear
Then he tells me in my prayer
It's because I am trustworthy
He gives me strength far more than my share"

You HAVE been through a lot this year. And you're so lucky to have the family you have around you. I think the people in your life are there for when you get so busy and so worried that you feel like you're losing your balance. They're a personal, physical representation and a reminder of the Love, the Protection, you have all the time.