School starts one week from today.
I'm not sure I'm ready.
I mean, the FarmHands have all the necessary supplies and clothing and physically we're prepared, but I'm not ready.
In the past I've looked forward to the first days of school with a blissful sense of calm. My children were leaving the house for 7-8 hours a day. I would wake them, feed them, dress them and send them on their way. Then I would pour myself a cup of coffee or a bowl of Rice Krispies, flip on Judge Judy, and breath in the silence. I would allow the peace and quite of an empty house and sleeping husband lull me to sleep on the couch for a few precious hours before heading out to pick up Bitsy for pre-school. I loved it.
Last year the excitement and nervous tension of starting a new job kept me keyed up and ready to tackle the school year. I didn't sleep. I worried over menu items I was unsure of. I popped awake at the sound of my alarm. I was out the door in record time each morning.
This year it's all different. I know what I'm doing. It's not a new job. It's not an unfamiliar routine. The excitement level isn't where it was a year ago. This year there's a tiny voice in the back of my head whispering, "no. don't do this. don't go back. just stay home and nap. there won't be any kids here. we'll be so much happier that way."
It's a lie. I know it is. It's a fantasy that will quickly lose it's shine. It's the voice of Summer Vacation begging to be allowed to live a few more weeks. A few more child free weeks. I love my job. I know that I'm past the place where I can happily stay home with no kids in the house for weeks at a time. I know I'd get stir crazy after the first few days and then The Ugly Beast would try to rear it's head. I know I need to be productive and I will not be if left to my own devices (the past 6 weeks have proven that).
But man, oh man, does 4:30am come early.