June 22, 2013


My ankle hurts. So does my thigh muscle. Oh, and my shoulder doesn't feel so great either.

Want to know why?

Because I slid down a muddy hill into a creek bed.

Why was I trying to go down a muddy hill into a creek bed?

Because I had to pee and the house was too far away.

Yup, that's what 4 kids will bring you to. You will be happily lounging by the pool, reading your book, drinking your Crystal Light, when suddenly you'll have to pee. And I mean right that second. And you'll know there's no way you're going to make it the 100 yards to the door of your house or the 15 yards from the door of your house to the bathroom. So instead you'll opt for the outdoor pee.

That's OK because you live in the country. No one will see you. But your father-in-law just may be mowing hay in the fields behind your house so you'll need to find some decent cover, especially considering giving birth to 4 kids has forced you back into a one piece bathing suit. Even a tankini won't cut it any more. So you'll opt for the nearly dry creek bed that's a mere 15 yards from where the children are playing in the pool. The floor of the creek bed is well over your head when standing and it's a veritable jungle of overgrowth and trees.

The only problem is the rain you've had lately. It will have made the steep bank of the creek extra treacherous to one shod only with flip flops. But you will attempt it because you don't want to lose control of your bodily functions in full view of your 4 children. You will quietly head for the creek bank. You will judge the best place to step off the grass and onto the dirt slope leading down. You will attempt to firmly plant your foot just at the edge of the grass before you actually step down onto the slope but the tall grass will play with your perception. What looks to be a solid piece of ground will turn out to be nothing more than a weedy patch of nothing. Your foot will slip into the 4 inch abyss and your body will lurch forward in a desperate attempt to right yourself before you plunge face first down a 5 foot drop into gravel, mud, and a trickle of water.

The resulting lurch will leave you shaken but not truly hurt. You will hunt a few yards down the creek for a good place to do your business and....well...do your business. Thus far you have succeeded in keeping your 4 children from noticing anything is amiss. They even overlooked your slide down the hill. But the moment you being to relieve yourself, stripped to your ankles (remember that one piece bathing suit), your almost 6 year old daughter will suddenly notice your absence and begin screaming your name. Luckily you are graceful under pressure (except for that bit of a slide) and you will calm her fears that you've run away from home to join a traveling Ukrainian circus as their new fire eater, hitch your bathing suit back up where it belongs, and clamber back out of the creek of death before anyone realizes exactly what you're doing.

A full 24 hours later, once you've nearly forgotten the incident, your ankle, thigh, and shoulder will remind you of your brief foray into extreme peeing.

Next time, go to the house.

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