It's quiet time at our house. Bitsy is sitting on my lap watching Nick Junior and "texting" on an old cell phone her Uncle Little B-I-L gave her last night. She's letting me hug her and smell her hair all I want....well, she was until I typed that, then she hopped down and ran to the TV because the best show of all time just started: Olivia.
Kork posted something on Facebook today about getting her oldest signed up for Kindergarten. Next fall, Bitsy will start Preschool. I'm not sure I'm OK with this. She's my baby. I'd keep her that way indefinitely if I could. I fear what the next few years will bring. I don't do well with change.
Husband really wants me to return to work in some form after Bitsy starts full time Kindergarten. The thought boggles my mind. Sure, we could use the money....with four kids how could we not? But I wouldn't even know where to begin looking. I'm not the Mary Kay, Longaberger, Tupperware type. I don't have the flexibility to go into peoples homes and hawk my wares. I'd love to try my hand a Etsy, but doubt that would be enough to put marshmallows on the table much less bacon. I really have no marketable skills.
I dropped out at the end of my second year of college. I had no real desire to finish school. I have no real desire to go back now. I have no clue what I'd even want to do given the opportunity. It's kind of a horrifying thought.
I'm not the type of mother who wants to spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week in the company of her children. I have serious guilt about this. I'd love to be a homeschooling mama with a line of ducks following me about on nature walks and learning adventures after we finished our vocabulary lesson at the breakfast table....but I know myself. Homeschooling around here would turn into serious headbutting and an eventual spiral into hours in front of PBS kids hoping they learn something...anything.
I have a tendency to feel like a lousy mother because I so desperately wanted to stay home with my kids but on the same hand so desperately want them to leave the house and go to school every day. And now the thought of leaving the house to pursue the almighty dollar is even more daunting.
I realize I'm worrying about something that is a good year and a half in my future. Worry does no good. I cannot change anything about my future by worrying. So I'm hoping to dump all this here in the blog ether and hope it stays here.