December 6, 2010

Why do I do these things to myself?

It's quiet time at our house. Bitsy is sitting on my lap watching Nick Junior and "texting" on an old cell phone her Uncle Little B-I-L gave her last night. She's letting me hug her and smell her hair all I want....well, she was until I typed that, then she hopped down and ran to the TV because the best show of all time just started: Olivia.

Kork posted something on Facebook today about getting her oldest signed up for Kindergarten. Next fall, Bitsy will start Preschool. I'm not sure I'm OK with this. She's my baby. I'd keep her that way indefinitely if I could. I fear what the next few years will bring. I don't do well with change.

Husband really wants me to return to work in some form after Bitsy starts full time Kindergarten. The thought boggles my mind. Sure, we could use the money....with four kids how could we not? But I wouldn't even know where to begin looking. I'm not the Mary Kay, Longaberger, Tupperware type. I don't have the flexibility to go into peoples homes and hawk my wares. I'd love to try my hand a Etsy, but doubt that would be enough to put marshmallows on the table much less bacon. I really have no marketable skills.

I dropped out at the end of my second year of college. I had no real desire to finish school. I have no real desire to go back now. I have no clue what I'd even want to do given the opportunity. It's kind of a horrifying thought.

I'm not the type of mother who wants to spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week in the company of her children. I have serious guilt about this. I'd love to be a homeschooling mama with a line of ducks following me about on nature walks and learning adventures after we finished our vocabulary lesson at the breakfast table....but I know myself. Homeschooling around here would turn into serious headbutting and an eventual spiral into hours in front of PBS kids hoping they learn something...anything.

I have a tendency to feel like a lousy mother because I so desperately wanted to stay home with my kids but on the same hand so desperately want them to leave the house and go to school every day. And now the thought of leaving the house to pursue the almighty dollar is even more daunting.

I realize I'm worrying about something that is a good year and a half in my future. Worry does no good. I cannot change anything about my future by worrying. So I'm hoping to dump all this here in the blog ether and hope it stays here.


Inkling said...

I say, start an Etsy shop, start small, and see what happens.

My next idea....while I refuse to read the whole Zombies/Austen thing, you could totally offer them your creative services. The good thing is that they would give you an editor to help with your spelling, which is all you need. You have what it takes to entertain people.

The next idea, somewhat related to the Austen thing....peruse the parenting magazines at your nearest library or doctor's office or wic office and see if they accept queries. If they accept queries or manuscripts, take them up on it. I did that when I was looking for places that I hope will eventually publish my birth injury story. A lot of bigger magazines do not accept unsolicited manuscripts or queries, but some of the smaller ones actually do. Almost all of the "free" parenting magazines/booklets do accept unsolicited articles. Also, check into getting some parenting stories published in local newspapers. Often the smaller types of newspapers will accept submissions. Heck, you can even mail a self-addressed stamped envelope to the folks at the Lookout and Christian Standard to get their schedule of themes for the year, and they will allow you to send in articles based upon those themes. You won't get paid for most of this, BUT it will get you published, will get your foot in the proverbial door, and you might get lucky and have an agent or editor come knocking on your door wanting to actually pay you to do something. If you start this now, you have 1.5 years to see what comes of it. (If you get famous, you can pay me later.)

I say give yourself a half-day a week for a few weeks to explore these opportunities. If any of them start looking good, then allot yourself more time. I know none of these things are considered "normal" forms of employment in your area, so you'll probably be met with skepticism, but give it a try. You might be surprised.

Finally, if none of these appeal to you, tell Farmboy that Canada has only as many inhabitants as Mexico City (or thereabouts), so they are looking for able bodied immigrants. You guys could move here, and Farmboy could become rich farming blueberries or raspberries. You could add a chicken barn to the mix, which would net you many thousands of dollars every six or nine weeks. And then you could build a house big enough for our whole extended family to stay in when they visit me. ;)

p.s. I forgot to tell you, but there is a young woman who I saw in the Denver airport that could be your sister. She was the spitting image of you and Princess combined. It was uncanny, and I had to look twice to make sure it wasn't Princess without make-up. Hmm.....I should have stopped to see if she was famous...then you could get a job as her body double like that girl who looks like Kate Middelton. Farmboy would have to love that idea.

Penny said...

not that I have any wise words for you..I am lots older!! LOL but just from reading your blog and knowing some of your thing is for sure..girl you have the genes to be the best Mommy ever!! now maybe being the best Mommy to your kids is different than others, but you are very good at that because God made you that way. He will show you what is next in your life...let's not go wishing part of it away so soon..I was not able to stay at home with my kids, due to working was something I had to do, not wanted to...but if you get to stay home or if you need to be a working mommy or if you just wanna be who you are doing whatever, know that you are a child of God...He will guide you..just be quiet and listen for the will be loud and clear when He needs it to be!

Kork said...

Praying for wisdom and clarity on this one. It's a daunting thought to have and one I'm glad I have another 4 years to worry over...errr...I mean pray and seek guidance over. :D

Seriously - I'm with Inkling on this one...look into some way to get published and paid for it.

Well, back to my screaming maniacs that pass for children when in public!