It's 4:30 in the morning. Bitsy isn't sleeping, so I'm not sleeping. Instead we're watching Nirvana Unplugged on MTV (apparently if you're up before dawn, MTV still plays music. Who knew?). Kurt Cobain is mumbling about being on a plain & not complaining in his fuzzy gray cardigan & greasy hair. I was not one of the angst riddled teens who spent weeks in mourning after his death, but I did like Nirvana and their music still has the power to elicit a great deal of emotion in me...especially at 4 in the morning.
Emily wrote about "missing easy" yesterday. Hearing Dumb on the acoustic guitar makes me miss easy. I want to scrounge all the change from the couch cushions & odd piles around the house so Did and I can go to the movies & hang out at the mall eating giant pixie sticks & rummaging through Claire's newest shipment. I feel the need to hang out in the parking lot of the Baptist church with 15 of my closest friends until the cops drive by & run us off. "I know a lady, came from Duluth, bit by a dog with a rabid tooth...." I want a time where my biggest responsibility involved 2 paragraphs of Latin to translate. Semper ubi sub ubi. I want to eagerly await Perl Jam's newest release so I can save up catering money (when your boyfriend's mom runs a catering business you work for her instead of baby sitting) to buy it on CD...'cause yeah, I'm cool...we have a CD player at our house.
"I wish I was like you, easily amused." I know it stems from the massive amounts of hormones unleashed upon my pubescent system, but I felt things more intensely as a teen. I wasn't just happy or sad. I was over the moon or wallowing in the depths of despair. Part of me misses that intense amount of random emotion. It's no wonder teens don't trust adults. We probably appear emotionally numb compared to them.
Maybe it isn't that I no longer feel as strongly...maybe it's that my emotions are far more focused now. The love I feel for my husband & children is stronger than anything I felt at 16, but it isn't that frantic overwhelming feeling I couldn't contain as a teen. When something relatively bad happens now, it no longer feels as though my world is crashing down on me. My world would actually have to crash down to elicit that kind of reaction now, where as a denied sleep-over could do it 15 years ago.
Has it really been that long since I was 16? Since I was officially allowed to date & wear make-up? Has it really been 15 years since I was stressing over prom dresses & color guard routines? Since we dressed Did up as a Smells Like Teem Spirit Anarchist Cheerleader for our costume party? Now I'd just like to sleep through the night & have a day with no sibling rivalry meltdowns.
OK, no more Nirvana for me before dawn. "With the lights out, we're less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us. I'm mulatto, an albino,a mosquito, my libido, yeah..."
6 comments:
Hey FW: "Oh well, whatever, nevermind."
DO you know how hard I cried when Kurt Cobain died?!??!
ok, i mourned and mourned when kurt died, i can tell you where i was what i was doing and all that.... bad day!!! but i am like you it doesn't take much to send me back to the days of hanging out at subway with all our friends and doing things that my parents would yell at me about later!!!ahhhhh. those were the days
I wasn't a huge Nirvana fan either, but did like their music. What I relate to more is your feelings of longing fora responsibility free time...a day? i would take an hour! Nicely said, farm Wife!
JJ
OK, so I did mourn a little...but not overtly. I was more a Pearl Jam girl. If Eddie Vedder had died, that would have been a different story. I would have gone into total seclusion.
What Eddie might die? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I hear you Farmie...and you're right, it doesn't take much at 4 am to send me there either....or at 4pm some days for that matter.
And you'll get your day of no sibling rivalries, and you'll wish them back...but not for a looong time.
Hugs to you!
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