Chapter 3

The first time I was left totally alone with Baby Girl I was terrified. What were we thinking? We couldn't raise a child! We were clueless...and my mother left us alone with this little thing. She was the real mother, I was just playing house. After the first week or so I fell into the routine and handled it pretty well (at least I thought so). Husband on the other hand, jumped right in like he'd been a father forever. I didn't change a diaper until we were home with her...and even then, I got lessons from him. He even fired his mom from diapering one day ("Just get out of the way and let me do it. You aren't doing it right!")

She brought us so much joy. We knew we wanted more kids, but never really discussed when. Baby Girl nursed until she was 15 months (and I was one of those people who thought anything over 1 year was too long to nurse). My cycle didn't start again until she was about 10 months old. I didn't think much of it because nursing gives you some protection from pregnancy. Doctors and nurses and the WIC folks kept assuring me that nursing was not a form of birth control, but I didn't want to go back on the pill. Husband was convinced that had been our problem when we were trying to get pregnant the first time. I didn't see how 7 months of hormones could cause 2 and a half years of fertility problems, but I also didn't want to take anything I didn't have to.

When Baby Girl was 15 months old my cycle was late again. I just thought my body was adjusting to her nursing less, and didn't think much of it. Husband (once again) was the one who suggested a pregnancy test. I took one while he was at work one night and there were 2 lines again. One was very faint, so I wasn't entirely convinced. I told Baby Girl (who was in the bath), "Looks like you might be getting a new baby brother or sister." She looked at me very seriously and said, "Duck." That was just about the only word other than 'Dada' that she ever said. I took another test the next morning, and once again we had told everyone in the free world our news before lunch time.

We had put our house on the market about a month before we found out I was pregnant so that handed us a whole new mess of problems. I was ill this time. I never threw up, but nausea was my constant companion for the first 3 months. It's a wonder I didn't loose what little weight I had. But it also made me very ambivalent about the pregnancy. I wanted another baby, but I really hated being pregnant. Then I began to think I didn't really want anymore kids. I wouldn't be able to take care of them, I was sick all the time. What chance did this baby or it's sister have when their mom couldn't get off the couch or fix anything but frozen pizza for dinner? Besides, could I possibly love another baby the way I loved Baby Girl? I didn't think so. Everyone told me I would, and I knew in my head that I would, but I couldn't convince my heart of that fact. And would that be fair to this baby?

About this time Unkie Di's older brother passed away. It was very sudden and he was very young (about my mom's age). Mama and Daddy came and picked me and Baby Girl up and we headed north for the funeral. Something about being at the funeral and the cemetery broke me. It was like a flood gate was opened. All the ambivalence was washed away and I fully understood how I could love two people so very much. I cried in the back seat of Daddy's car and Daddy came around and held me. Once I was finished crying the world seemed much clearer...as though my tears had washed away all my doubts. I knew God had used the experience to show me His capacity for love.

Our house sold and we had to move into a little rental until our new house was finished. We were putting a house on land Husband's Grandpa had given him, thus beginning my journey from City Gal to Farm Wife. Once we settled into the finished house I was 8 months pregnant. Our phone hadn't been hooked up so we were getting all our calls at Husband's folk's house. We had been to the doctor for an ultra sound the day before when MIL came down and said the doctor's office called and needed me to call back. Thinking they were just going to reschedule my next appointment, I headed up to her house to return the call.

The next part is a bit of a blur. Sue (the nurse) got on the phone and told me something was wrong with the ultra sound. They had seen something in the baby's kidneys that shouldn't be there. She didn't know what it was, but they were sending us to a specialist for a high definition ultra sound. I began to sob and shake. MIL and SIL just stood and watched me in horror until I got off the phone and composed myself enough to speak. MIL ran back to the house to get Husband and SIL let me cry while she tried to distract Baby Girl.

My mom was at the house early the next day (I think) and she was prepared to stay until Baby came. The ultra sound tech told us the condition was called Prenatal hydronephrosis. It's more common in boys and they saw at least 3 cases a month. He was retaining fluid in his kidneys, and would have to see a pediatric urologist. They set up an appointment for us to meet with him before #1 Son was born. At the same time (with all the terror that accompanies the thought of your child being ill) they showed us a 3-D picture of his face, that brought it all back into focus. The urologist said both kidneys were affected and #1 Son would have to be on antibiotics when he was born. He also ordered an ultra sound and a reflux test to be sure the bladder wasn't sending urine back up into the kidneys. We knew this could be a pretty serious problem, but it could also clear up on it's own and cause no trouble at all.

My OBGYN was supposed to be out of town on my due date (which was 2 years and 1 day after Baby Girl's due date) and he didn't want to risk being in Philly when I went into labor. I didn't want that risk either because he was the only OB at my hospital and he knew all the issues with #1 Son's kidneys. So I was induced again.

Labor was much more intense with #1 Son than it had been with Baby Girl, but it lasted about the same amount of time. My epidural didn't work as well, so I was in a lot of pain, but once he decided to come, nothing was going to stop him. Not even the doctors and nurses yelling, "NO! Wait! Don't push!" I didn't have to push. That boy was coming whether they liked it or not.

They handed him to me and I was shocked...He wasn't Baby Girl. I'm not sure what I expected, but he was so different than she was. He looked like me and my dad. She looked like Husband and his dad. He had no problem screaming. She didn't cry unless she was naked (I'm not sure what has happened since...). But he was so beautiful. It made me forget about his kidneys and the heart ache we'd been through.

The tests started at the hospital and nothing unusual was found. When he was a week old he had his first ultrasound and the reflux test (catheter, dye, x-ray, holding down a squalling week old baby... NOT PLEASANT). They all came back ok so we were told they would watch him and do periodic ultra sounds. At 6 months he had to have a nuclear scan. Even less pleasant than the reflux test. It involved an IV (which took 6 tries, a neo-natal nurse and a rubber band on his head),a cathater (3 tries and a neo-natal nurse), radio active dye, and 30 minutes strapped down in a large machine (4 hours total including all the prep).

I'm very happy to say that he was released from the care of his urologist this time last year and everything is normal. He's never showed any symptoms. We might not have known about his condition if not for that first ultra sound. His name means 'God is my Strength' and it couldn't be more appropriate.