This morning I was watching Today and Katie Couric had a piece on Stay-At-Home Moms verses Working Moms (their term not mine, we all work...Hard). There's a new book out called
Mommy Wars. It's a compilation of essays written by moms in both places. One point that I found very interesting is the belief that moms argue this point so vehemently because it's more about convincing yourself that your decision was right than convincing others that theirs was wrong. I believe they called it cognitive dissonance (but I wouldn't bet the farm on that).
This came up recently in Dana's blog (I think). Someone commented on "those moms" who think if you don't stay home with your kids you're evil. I used to be one of those moms, and I wasn't even a mother yet. I was very passionate about the topic. I still am, but my reasoning has changed. I'm not judgmental about it anymore, I'm just opinionated.
I truly believe a mother's place is in the home. That being said, I know there are women who would love to stay home and can not. I also know there are women who would not stay home if they could. I've realized that the choices we make are very personal and should stay that way.
Husband and I discussed my role as a mother before we every discussed marriage. We were both raised by SAHMs. His mom went back in to the work force when her youngest was in first or second grade. My mom worked at a daycare when my dad was laid off, as a cafeteria sub when we first moved south, and as a manager at McDonalds my freshman year in high school. Her stints in the work force were always short and varied, so I tend to forget she ever worked out side the home. That left us with very similar beliefs about mothers' roles. It wasn't much of a decision for us to make. We knew from the get go that I would stay home.
I've wanted to be a SAHM as long as I can remember. When I was in kindergarten the teacher asked us all what we wanted to be when we grew up. My thought was, "I don't want to be anything. My mom's not anything, and I want to be like her." This may not have been PC, but it's how I saw it at the ripe old age of 5. No one else said that, so when my turn came I think I said I wanted to be a nurse (a popular choice). Through my grade school career I changed my answer many times. I said teacher, astronaut, Marine, singer (think Amy Grant), movie star, artist (although I can't draw or paint to save my live and I thought that's all artists did), doctor, lawyer, and even President. In high school (when this question takes on a much greater significance) I said I wanted to be a psychologist. The entire time I was still thinking, "I just want to stay home with my kids." But that isn't really a career option for a 17 year old.
Graduation came and went and I applied to the same college my folks went to. I never thought of going anywhere else, never really wanted to. To be honest, I wasn't sure why I was going at all. I just wanted to get married, have babies, and keep house. But even at that I did not go to college to get my Mrs. Degree (although the thought did cross my mind briefly). The official story by this time was that I wanted to get a degree in psychology with an emphasis in Child psychology. I wanted to work with abused children.
LONG story short, I'm a college drop out. And I'm happy with that. I'm doing what I was meant to do. I'm doing the only thing I ever felt passionately about. Katie Couric made the comment that unless you were wealthy, you wouldn't be able to afford to stay home with your children. We are not wealthy. Not in the slightest sense of the word. What we are is blessed. We inherited land. We don't have expensive tastes. My kids wear hand-me-downs. We don't go out a lot. We are frugal. And I'm happy with that.
Yesterday Husband made the comment that it would be nice to have money (we were driving by BIG houses and dreaming as one does). I said if we had more money, we'd just spend it. We passed an ENORMOUS house set in between two modest ranch homes. Husband said, "How would you like to live next to that your whole life, lusting." I said that's why the God tells us not to covet our neighbor's possessions. Breeds Discontent. And Discontent breeds misery.
I am blessed. My husband works hard so I can be home with my babies. I work hard so he can have a good home to come into. The kids get sick and tired of being with me all the time. I crave adult conversation. It's a give and take, but I don't mind giving. In the long run I know what I'm doing is best for us. But that doesn't mean it's best for everyone.
7 comments:
Mrs. Mommy-Farmwife - This is my first foray into your blog and I find it wonderful and fascinating. You write that you have always "talked too much and perhaps write too much" but I found your blogs (i read back to When Luke became an orphan) well written and REAL.
Now to comment on today's blog - I am also an adamant SAHM. I applaud you for your desire to be a wife and mother. Thank you for sticking to your deep convictions and teaching your children how a real family works. I've been living in the city (philadelphia area) so long and the SAHM's are vastly outnumbered ... and yet people stupidly wonder where crime and poverty comes from - it's from not having a dad and from mom having to do both jobs. okay, my small rant fit is done.
You are wonderful. Thank you for continuing to write. If we are ever in Illinois, we will visit.
When The Princess was born, I returned to work (outside the home) at 8 weeks postpartum. Hardest freakin' day of my life the first day I had to drive away from her. And the thing is that though Hubby and I are fairly frugal (i hadn't developed that Starbucks habit yet!), because he has a son from his first marriage (Stepson), there is a large chunk of money going out each week and in our budget that we have no say about (child support). As a control freak, this has been a huge issue for me - to have this expense that I can't control, i can't reduce it, I can't do anythign - PLUS it made it so I was unable to stay home with my child.
After the birth of Pumpkin, I was really blessed that Hubby's side business had done so well that not only was it a possibility for me to stay home, it just made more sense financially. Though there are some rough days, for the most part, this is really what is best for me and my girls.
Besides having lots of time to nurture each rapidly changing phase that Pumpkin passes through, I feel I've had a chance to reconnect with The Princess, who has always been "Daddy's little girl". She told me this a.m., "You are the greatest mommy ever!" And I don't think she'd have said that while I was working outside the home. Too many hours away - too much trying to cram so much into so little.
I can relate to not being able to stay home, to the necessity of working outside the home. I work (for pay) PT from home and that seems to be ideal for us... It also works that I've never been one to define myself by what I *do*, but rather who I *am*.
I never realize how much like my sister you are (that's a good thing BTW since Tonster is one of my best friends). She never wanted to be anything other than a SAHM. My parents and her teachers pushed her to go to college - she was salutatorian in her class- and then pushed her to finish. She too started out in psychology but later switched to Spanish so she could get out faster and get on with what she really wanted to do. She's a great mom and though I see her at her wits end often - I know she's doing what is right for her.
I'm one of those strange people who loves working. I wanted to get a job before I was even old enough to work. I've had paid employment since I was 15 years old. I'm not sure I know how to handle a life without leaving the house every morning. But yet I see the deep importance of staying home with children. DH and I both are from SAHM households and we both agree that it is what we would want for our kids. I think that is one of the things that makes it such a struggle for me to decide whether/when we want to try for kids. I know I'll want to stay home with them if we have them. But right now I'm the major bread winner (a rare case indeed). He has a job he absolutely loves. It pays less than my corporate job but he loves it. I could never ask him to leave it to earn more somewhere that he doesn't love. We'd have to drop our standard of living drastically to be able for me to stay home. And I think that is a sacrifice we will be willing to make. The question is when will we make it (although I think we've figured that out now). I would give anything not to have those little career ideas in the back of my head. They battle constantly with my maternal side.
Farm Wife ... you're not one of "those Moms" I mentioned in my blog because you still talk (ok-write) to me, they wouldn't if they knew I was contemplating returning to work. I do love being home with my boys. We spent 2 hours outside this morning, picking flowers, listening to birds, playing in dirt and enjoying life. I treasure those moments -- but I don't think I will be less of a Mom to them if we don't do that every day of the week. Ed and I both grew up with working Moms. We both came from "broken homes" that made working a necessity for our Moms to be able to provide for us. And I NEVER once wished that my Mom was a SAHM while growing up. I didn't miss out and I didn't suffer because Mom was at work when I returned home from school. If anything, I am grateful that I learned to be independent and responsible. I haven't made any final decisions yet on what I'm going to do, but I believe I'm going to work part-time from home to begin with and see where that takes me. Maybe somewhere along the way I can find the best of both worlds and provide that for my boys.
I am not a SAHM, heck, I am not even a mom, but I think that you made some very profound statements.
Life is about choices. It's true, everyone finds a different path and that's what makes it exciting. I think that's also true of money: it's all about your focus and your priorities.
If I see a friend anxious to rejoin the workforce after having her children, I encourage her, that's her choice.
If another friend is seeking to stay at home, I want that for her.
Again, it's all about which path you choose and you get to lay out the route as you go.
It doesn't really matter which you choose, motherhood is still laiden with guilt. No matter how much of you is devoted to your children, you feel it isn't enough. I currently work, not because I want to but because I have to. Single parenthood is not fun. I have to say though, that during my time as a SAHM the guilt I felt is the same. I have more to feel guilty about now, less time and much less patience yet some how when I was at home with only one child and more sanity i still felt lacking. Looking around mothers always can find somewhere they can improve, someone who is disapointed. How wonderful to look above to the One who is Perfect, to know He knows and cares, and He is ready to work through us and give us what we are lacking. Who can preform a great work through us. I could not get through the day without the strength i recieve from the Lord. he supplies peace to deal with those questions and arguments, all you can do is all you can do.
Had put in my 2cents here.
I have been very lucky where my kids are concerned. When we adopted Yuri. I worked only 20 hours a week. My beloved Gram babysat for him and I was SO SO lucky. She helped with the pottytraining and such. She was the most Christian woman that I know and I strive to be half the woman that she was. She taught my son to pray and love Jesus at an early age. This was ideal I worked just enought to have time for myself.
Then I got a job at a peds office and for 6 months I worked full time and it STUNK! Two nights a week I would work until 6. That left very little time with Yuri. After that 6 months I said I would quit if I couln't go to part time I then went to 16 hours a week. I really hated to quit we got free medical for the Kids!
Yin came along and my boss moved away. I have been a SAHM for six months now. I have been doing some of his work from home, but I hope to have to go back to work until Yin goes to school and then I would love to get something in the district so I can be home when they are.
SAHM is very difficult sometimes. I often feel very isolated and alone. Some days it is difficult to see that I have done anything with the mess that kids make, but it has been VERY rewarding. Yin and I have a goodtime during the day, and I live for days when Yuri is out of school.
Being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs any woman would ever have!
JMTC...
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