February 26, 2008


As I sit & pray for my friend Mrs.X, I'm forced to contemplate my life. She wants so desperately to have a baby. I was once in her shoes. But while she is traveling the road of hormones, injections, IVF, insemination, and the like, I simply cried for 2 years & peed on many, many sticks. We were about to dip our toes into the water of fertility treatments when I broke down & knew I couldn't deal with that route (at least not at that time in my life). I know how blessed we were to get pregnant with no help. I do not take that for granted.

Mrs.X wrote this morning of guarding her heart until you know for certain it is safe to give it in full. At my 6 week check up after BabyGirl's birth my doctor remarked that motherhood agreed with me. "I'm not sure what it is, but you seem so much more relaxed & sure of yourself than you have the past 9 months." I told him that deep down I was never sure everything would be turn out well. Until I held BabyGirl in my arms, heard her cry, felt her fingers curl around mine, smelled her hair, counted her toes, I was worried that she would suddenly be snatched from us.

It wasn't a constant worry. I didn't spend my entire pregnancy fretting, but the thought of miscarriage or prematurity or stillbirth was never fully buried in my mind. We went out & bought a crib before the end of my first trimester. MIL was not happy about it. She lost a baby later in pregnancy & didn't want us to get our hopes up. For me, buying the crib was a leap of faith. I remember telling Inkling that it was hard, but I had to believe we would be bringing this baby home to sleep in it.

We really had no reason to think things wouldn't go well. It was an uneventful pregnancy. There were no complications. But something about the 2 years & 3 months it took to get pregnant had scarred me. It took BabyGirl's birth to rid me of those scars.

I was so shocked to find we were expecting #1 Son. After the length of time it had taken us to get pregnant with BabyGirl, I often thought she would be it. When she was 15 months old & I was unexpectedly pregnant again, I was gobsmacked (just for you Sara). I had settled in my mind that BabyGirl would probably be an only child.

Obviously, I was wrong.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. Just thoughts milling about that I needed to put down. I'm praying Mrs.X & her Sweetie can open their hearts soon.


Brando said...

I can almost relate to Mrs. X. We have been through alot of procedures.

I have to say that after the adoption of both of our children, who I love more than life itself. The feelings of 7 years of infertility have never gone away even though we have had our son for 7 more years.

It is a hurt- an ache that I still deal with- thinking of myself as broken and inadequate as a woman...

I will keep them in my thoughs and prayers during this journey.

Kork said...

I understand exactly what you are going through right now Farmie. Something about stepping into the Light of His promises for us...it's the best and the worst thing to go through.

I've been thinking the same thoughts today, and I don't even know Mrs. X...