You Might be Pregnant If...

Your dreams include any of the following scenarios:

*Your husband inexplicably dies and you are kidnapped by a family of backwoods Floridians who's matriarch wants to marry you off to her toothless oldest son. When you become concerned about your dearly departed's unborn child you ask her about it's fate. She tells you, "It all depends on how I feel that day & if I like the kid or not, " and you accept this answer as a necessary evil. When said family takes you to see an OB/GYN it turns out to be your uncle (who is actually a minster & moonlights in a funeral home and as the PD's chaplain) who is green...the actual color green...and not just green, but a giant zucchini   like Mr.Nezzer on Veggie Tales.  He tells you you have to have a C-Section because Florida law states only women with cervical cancer are permitted to deliver naturally. When you come to after surgery, you discover you've had twins, but only think to name the girl (because the name you picked out for her, your husband hated. Hey, he's dead. You can name her Tirzah if you want to). That's when your brother-in-law informs you he's coming to stay with you to take care of the babies until you get back on your feet...leaving your sister and her infant son without a man around.

* You run into your old high school boyfriend at a reunion of sorts while you are holding his infant daughter (don't know where she came from...or why she's still an infant since she's 6 now). He informs you he's only waiting for his wife to die so he can come back and marry you...and no one seems to care you're married already with 3 kids and one on the way. Details, details.

* You go to your best friend's wedding rehearsal only to discover that the 48 people they planned on coming has grown to 450 the day before. Now not only do you have to spend the night at the reception hall with the other 7 bridesmaids, but you must also help come up with plan B for the newly expanded reception dinner (the main concern being not food or drink but centerpieces).

*You discover your parents have had a beautiful little vacation cabin in a state park for the past 10 years, but have never bothered to tell you. When you find out it's there, they only agree to let you and your husband use it for the weekend if you'll clean it first. If you've ever been to a dig shop when they've cut the bales of clothes open, you'll understand what the cabin looked like (or seen an episode of Hoarders on A&E). If not, imagine every article of clothing you and your immediate family has EVER owned dumped into a 10 x 8 room with a bed & night stand.

* You check into the hospital for tests on your unborn baby, and they have to remove your uterus to run them. While you wait in the hallway (with your uterus setting on a tray next to you) you think, "Why do they have to put it back in? Why can't we just take the baby out and take it home?" so you reach over and unzip the prone organ. When you pull the baby out (that was supposed to be B.B.) you discover that not only is it a girl, but it is the ugliest baby ever born. Seriously ugly. That baby looked like a horse. No joke. But when your mother (who has miraculously appeared) states the obvious, you jump to the defence of your child & scream at everyone in hearing range that, "NO ONE CALLS MY BABY UGLY!!!!"

* You are delivering your baby on a parade float in the middle of the Mule Day parade.