Absences followed by begging.

I know I don't come here often. I know I am a fair weather friend. But I also know that if you're still taking the time to check in here you must care for me at least a little bit. The begging will come later.

There are some very deep, very painful, very personal issues in the extended family. Husband has taken a firm stand on something that has the possibility of causing a lot of healing or a lot of hurt. Right now hurt is the frontrunner.

Without going into detail, Husband drew a line in the sand with his extended family on Sunday. One that means, for the moment, we will have little to no contact with members of the family we love the most. Our hearts are breaking. I know theirs are as well. But I deeply believe that this is a step that has been years in coming. And, for us, it is a stand that has everything to do with the physical safety of the FarmHands.

I know that the family we are currently estranged from would never intentionally put our kids in harm's way. I know they love our children almost as much as we do. I also know that their actions are enabling someone else, someone who couldn't care less about our kids, to put them in harm's way. This individual has caused unimaginable hurt in the past and is currently, quite possibly, the most toxic individual I know.

After years of hurt and anger and secrets, on Sunday Husband publicly stated that if the enabling continues, we are out. The family members involved do not see things the way we do.

Not only does this remove us from the center of our family, but it removes us from our church family. When the two are nearly the same, you can't cut one tie without cutting both.

My prayer is that someday we will all come to a place of healing, forgiveness, truth, openness, and strength. I pray that damaged relationships will be mended. I pray that toxic relationships will be ended. I pray that the decision my husband has made for our family is the right one and that it will show our children that no matter the cost, they are what we will fight for. I pray that we all come out of this better in the end.

I am sharing this today to beg you, my friends, to lift us up in prayer. All of us. This is injury that time alone will not heal. Only God can mend these broken places in our lives and in our family. Please, please pray for us.

The time is coming.

Just a brief warning: yesterday was a very hard day for me. I went to visit my grandparents and my grandfather is not doing well. I need an outlet for what is mulling around in my head. This is my outlet. If you are a family member this may not be an easy post to read. It's not been an easy one to write. But it's something I need to do for me. Thank you.

Grandma M&M called me Saturday afternoon. She had called Husband during the week to wish him a happy birthday but was worried that she'd interrupted his nap. She hadn't. It wouldn't have matter if she had. Grandma calls on birthdays. That's just what she does. And we expect her call. We love her call.

While we were chatting she told me that Grandpa was having a really bad day. A few years ago he had a small stroke that made it very difficult for him to swallow. After PT he was able to handle soft foods but he's never been able to tear into a cheeseburger since. This week things got worse and he has been switched over to thickened liquids. His breakfast, lunch, and dinner all come through a straw. He doesn't like that. Who would. He wasn't "eating" as much as he should have and therefore was losing the little bit of strength he had left. Grandma said he'd slept all day Saturday while she sat with him.

I got off the phone with her and cried. There was nothing else to do.

Husband saw me break down and he waited for me to compose myself enough to explain. The next words out of his mouth were, "Do you want to skip church tomorrow and go see them? We can do that."

We arranged for the kids to stay here with his family so we could make the trip in peace. I took them to see Grandma and Grandpa back in July and seeing Grandpa really scared B.B. He was afraid Grandpa was going to die while we were there with him.

Husband and I took Grandma to lunch when we got there then came back to her apartment to sit down for a bit. When she thought the time was right we headed over to visit with Grandpa. Every time I've been to see him I've prepared myself for the worst. It's never been as bad as I imagined. He's always known who I was. He's always responded to me as much as he could. He's spoken a few words. He's turned his head to see me. He's been happy that we were there.

Yesterday was different.

We have no idea what is going on in his mind because he doesn't say more than a few words at a time but yesterday I felt as though he didn't know me. It breaks my heart to admit that but I truly didn't see any recognition when he looked at me. I had to put myself in his line of sight and talk to him but I didn't get any sort of response from him. I know that's happened to others in our family but this was my first experience with it. It was hard.

I held his hand. I patted his knee. I adjusted his elbow pads. Husband told him about our new goats. We told him about the kids. We talked to him about things he would find interesting. Mostly he slept.

He did kiss Grandma hello at her request and he told her he loved her after she said it to him. When the time came for us to leave I hugged him, kissed his cheek, and whispered, "I love you, Grandpa," in his ear. As I was standing back up I heard him whisper back, "I love you." I'm afraid they may be the last words I hear from my grandfather.

Dementia has many shades. I know that day to day things can be drastically different. I know that tomorrow may be a much better day for Grandpa. I know that he may be communicative. I know he may know exactly who everyone around him is. I know he may say a few words at a time. But I also know that the chances of that happening while I'm there are slim to none.

My Grandpa is fading away. It's a terribly difficult thing to watch. It's painful. It's ugly. It's sad. It wish it wasn't this way, but it is. All I can do is pray. Pray for comfort and peace and that Grandpa would be as comfortable as he can be in what will be his last days, weeks, or months. I'd appreciate it if you would pray too.

What if your healing comes through tears?

A few months ago, Uncle E called & asked if I would sing a special at church the next day (this was a Saturday afternoon).  I said I would & immediately started thinking of what songs I could have ready the next day when he said, "Great!  I'll be over in a minute with the CD for you."  I was a bit shocked.  He wanted me to learn a new song & sing it the next day at church?  I've never attempted anything like that & was pretty sure it couldn't be done.

When he got here, he handed me the CD and told me the track number and said, "I heard this on the radio & it really made me think of your Grandma & Grandpa B.  I really think it needs to be sung.  Thank you so much for doing this."  I flipped open the liner notes immediately understood.  (The song is called Blessings & it's sung by a young woman named Laura Storey.  If you've never heard it, at the very least, please click here & go read the lyrics.)

The song states, in a very simple way, that sometimes God's blessings do not come in the form we think they should.  We want health, wealth, and happiness.  We want instant gratification.  We want our prayers to be answered in a specific way in our own personal timeline.  God sees a much bigger picture.

Yesterday I went to visit with Grandma & Grandpa M&M.  I hate to admit it, but I hadn't seen them in nearly a year.  They only live 3 hours from us, and I would love to go see them on a regular basis, but it never seems to work out.  This week end, Husband didn't have to work, no one was sick, and I had a truly free day so I got up early & headed out on my own.

Grandma fell last week and is "very colorful" as she puts it.  She got tangled in a cord on Grandpa's hospital bed & went down hard.  She fractured her elbow and bruised her hip, ankle and knee pretty badly.

Grandpa has been in the skilled nursing wing of the nursing home for a few months now due to a stroke.  He's got a UTI at the moment & he's not very responsive.  He also has vascular dementia.  He knew who I was when I got there yesterday, but I know the day is coming when he won't.  He stares blankly at you when you speak to him.  He has long periods of time when he doesn't know what's going on.  He is not happy about being separated from Grandma.  He cannot care for himself.  He cannot walk without falling.  It is easy to see the unhappiness in his face.

As I was leaving Grandma's apartment yesterday she told me they were both ready to go.  As heartbreaking as the thought is, I knew she was right.  They've both lived long, happy lives.  They have loved us, God, and each other completely.  They know that life does not end here.

Last night I was really struggling with the thought of Grandpa being in the nursing home & fading away slowly.  It's a horrible thing to watch someone you love lose bits of themselves every day.  Its even harder seeing Grandma try to help him & knowing she can't really fix anything.  Why doesn't God just take Grandpa to heaven now?  Why is He letting him linger here where he's sad & sick & scared?  In heaven, all this would be over.  Grandpa would be perfect in a way he's never been here.  Why can't that just happen now?

But then another thought came.  Who is watching them as they sit together every day?  Who sees her holding his hand and worrying over how his hair is combed?  Who has heard Grandma mention how much God has blessed them?  What lives have they touched?  How many people have my parents and aunts & uncles come into contact with that they'd never have met otherwise?  What kind of witness does my family have in this place so many think of as hopeless?

Sometimes blessings come with raindrops.  Sometimes healing comes through tears.  Sometimes a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know He's here.  I'm not seeing the big picture.  I'm only seeing out of the small window that is my life.  Now I have to trust God to do what is best not only for my grandparents, but for the lives of those they're in contact with.  In the end, this life is only a vapor & the few years of Grandpa's fading will be only a few drops in that vapor.

Until then, I'm holding onto His hand and the promise that this world is not my home, nor is it the home of those I love.  We have been promised a perfect, eternal home.

Someday.

What have you done for them lately?

As a parent I find myself doing odd things to help out my kids or just to make them happy.  Today I laid on the couch with half my head hanging off so Bitsy could comb my hair for 20 minutes solid.  Yesterday I spent nearly and hour jogging from BabyGirl's room where she was doing her homework, to the kitchen table where #1 Son was doing his, to the dining room table where B.B. was signing Valentines just to keep everyone happy.  I've played Legos, I've turned furniture upside down in search of lost action figures, I've brewed Bavarian Blackberry tea for a tea party, I've scraped bark off walking sticks,I've dressed countless Barbies and baby dolls, I've searched through gravel piles for hours on end to find "Indian Beads."  Parenting takes many skills-skills I never knew I had.

Today I spent the afternoon separating the pages of a new Bible Husband bought for BabyGirl.  The outer edges of the pages are printed with a really cute pink and green design but the printing made all the pages stick together.  Husband was worried that she'd rip the onion skin pages trying to get them apart so he sat down with it in the minutes before he had to leave for work and pulled apart the entire Old Testament.  I really didn't know what he was doing at the time & when I asked he explained it to me adding, "This is what a good parent does." That left the New Testament to me.  It really didn't take long, but it did make me think of all the strange things we do for our kids.

It begs the question:  What kind of odd things have you done for your kids recently?

Wonderful news!!

Uncle Gick's surgery went perfectly yesterday! He came through with flying colors & is now at home with a very sore shoulder.

We all slept a little deeper last night. We've all breathed a little easier today.

When his doctor came out to tell us how the procedure went he informed us that one of his leads wasn't working at all & one or two others were broken. He replaced the non-functioning one & repaired the other two. With that tweak alone, Uncle Gick should feel much better.

This was probably the best Christmas present any of us could have asked for!

I've never really talked about this before. Uncle Gick was diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy when I was about 14 or 15 years old. We're not really sure what caused it. He was sick & it may have been a virus that traveled into his heart or it may have been a new allergy medicine he was on (years later it came out that this medicine caused heart damage). His doctors didn't really give us much hope at the time. QM told me that without a heart transplant he wouldn't live very long.

Uncle Gick didn't want a heart transplant. I'm not positive of all his reasons but I do know he didn't want to live his life on anti-rejection drugs. I do know that his doctors said he wouldn't live to see his 50th birthday.

When BabyGirl was 8 months old, he got his pacemaker. We all saw an immediate improvement in him. He turned 50 when I was pregnant with #1 Son. At 58, we're all thrilled that he's proven his doctors wrong.

Uncle Gick is one of our favorite human beings. We're really glad God has let us keep him this long. I pray He lets us keep him another 20 years.

Black Friday should be canceled.

Thus says BabyGirl. Especially after hearing about a college kid wanting to get into a wrestling match with her uncle over some video games the uncle already had in his possession....and the 6 hour wait in line another uncle had to get a laptop....and stories of people waiting in the parking lot for their "competitors" after the sale was over....and an acquaintance having a gun pulled on him last year over a toy.

Get a grip folks. Yeah, cheap electronics are nice, but is it worth trampling each other to get a Kindle? If my ten year old sees the flaw in this thinking, why can't the rest of the country get on board?

That being said, we did brave the crowds yesterday afternoon. Not door busters. Not really on the hunt for anything in particular, but we had to be in town so figured why waste the trip? We had to have the oil changed & the earliest appointment was on Black Friday. After the oil change, we decided it wasn't worth an extra trip to town to get groceries so we made a day of it. In all honesty, Black Friday isn't a bad day for grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. No one's on that side of the store.

I did get the Lord of the Rings movies for $1.95 each making the geek in my very happy!

Thanksgiving was spent with Husband's folks, sister, and youngest brother. We had a nice visit & a good meal followed by total melt down when #1 Son lost every game of Uno played with his aunt, siblings, and grandmother.

That evening the FarmHands & I went to Uncle Gick & Unkie Di's to hang out with the crowd that gathers there every year. All of Unkie Di's family comes down from the Chicago area to spend the holiday along with a cousin of mine & his wife we rarely get to see. It's crowded & loud & more than a bit chaotic, but I love it. We talk & laugh & eat & have a great time.

Today Husband & the boys are doing manly things outside while I wash dishes & tackle Mount Saint Laundry & hope Husband & I can go out tonight. Monday will be our 14th wedding anniversary. In all we're having a quiet (for us) weekend.

Before I forget, please, please, please keep Uncle Gick in your prayers. He's having his pacemaker replaced on Thursday. He's going from a pacemaker to a defibrillator & that requires different leads. That's why this could be a much more involved process than a normal pacemaker change. Uncle Gick has Cardiomyopathy and has had it for about 20 years. If the old leads to do not come out easily, there could be real complications. Please pray for him & for the rest of us while we wait for the end results.

It's just us.

A few days ago, Nan, a former blogger & still dear friend, asked if I would post a picture that I felt summed up my blog. Apparently, she was trying to put me on Pinterest (I'm not totally sure what that is, but I'm all for spreading the Farmie love) and it wouldn't allow her to grab my title picture. I figured this might work better.

To be honest, I'm not sure there's another picture that sums up my blog quite like the boots on the steps. It's us. We're a bit dirty. We're a bit rough around the edges. We work hard. We try to keep in line. I'm normally being followed everywhere I go by 4 ducks in a rather crooked row. We're close. It's just us.

What do you think?

Letting Go.

This is probably the strangest thing I've ever asked you all, but I ask it in all seriousness. Will you please pray that God would take Grandma in Country soon? It's not that we don't love her or that we don't want her with us. It's that we don't want her to suffer any longer.

She has been unable to eat for quite a while. The last food she had, that I know of, was 2 bites of gravy last Tuesday. She cannot drink because she's aspirating everything into her lungs. She has been unconscious (with the exception of a brief amount of time on Friday) for at least 5 days. A catheter had to be used to drain her bladder on Saturday because it was distended. She doesn't have the strength to talk, hold a hand, or open her eyes more than a tiny bit every few days. She's on morphine for pain and oxygen to aid her rapid breathing. Husband's aunts are keeping constant vigil at her bedside to swab out her mouth, dress her bedsore, check her diaper, and try to keep her as comfortable as possible. I know they would keep vigil as long as necessary if it meant keeping their mother with them, but I also know Grandma would be much better off in Heaven.

We haven't had the kids in to see her at all because I would much rather they remember Grandma-great (as they call her) the way she was in church giving them their gum & Sunday School money every week. And to be honest, she looks horrible. It's a terrible feeling to see someone laying in a hospital bed just a shell of their former self & I don't want my kids to have that memory. With Grandma, the change has been gradual, but it's dramatic none the less. When Husband and I were married she was a very large woman. My estimate for her weight would be upwards of 250 pounds. Currently she's probably around 70 pounds. She is so frail & wasted that I fear it would frighten the FarmHands more than comfort them.

Husband went to see her Friday when I was in town & his aunts tell me Grandma opened her eyes and spoke for the first time in days shortly after he arrived. She told everyone she loved them (out loud as opposed to just mouthing the way she'd been doing for weeks before she took her turn for the worst) and hugged everyone there. SIL took her kids by to see her Friday and Grandma hugged them, too. She must've been somewhat lucid on & off that afternoon. But that was the last time.

I know asking for prayers for someone to die may not seem like the kindest or most loving thing to do, but I know that Grandma knows and loves Jesus. I know that when she dies, it will only be an ending here on Earth and that she will be hole and healthy in Heaven. I know that Grandpa is waiting for her having gone ahead of her about 5 years ago. I know that the Lord will be waiting for her with open arms. What I'm asking is for her, not for us.

You can go, Grandma. We love you and we'll see you again someday. When you get there, could you give my love to Grandma B.? I'm sure you two will have a nice long chat.

Updated at 6:15 pm- Husband's cousin just posted this on Facebook:

my grandma is still hanging on..but only very little. Heart is working twice as hard, labored breathing. Respirations are low and pulse is around 115-120. This has taken its toll on all the family emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I bet you thought I forgot...didn't you?

I can't say I blame you. I nearly did. It's not that I don't love you all & I don't adore giving you advice by the barrel full, but this past week has tried it's darnedest to kill me. I kid you not. Well, maybe I kid you a little.

First of all, the pollen in Southern Illinois has been out to get me ever since our return from vacation. And when it's not microscopic flora attacking me, it's random wigged out weather pressure systems trying to make my head explode. Remind me why I've been waiting for Summer.

And in the middle of it all, these lovely, abstract yellow patches appeared on my bedroom ceiling. Ahhh, the joys of home ownership. Fix the leaky roof your darned self. Gahhh! So this week has been spent hunting roofers, prices, warranty info, and the like. How I love being grown up.

So now, in a desperate attempt at forgetting the water spots lurking above my head, I shall get to your most pressing questions.

Inkling starts us off with a political piece: Here's a serious question. Canadians observe that Americans tie religion and politics together, speaking boldly about their political leanings publicly in services at church, Christian radio programs, etc. A. Do you agree that Americans do that? B. Do you think it is a good thing? Why or why not?

Um, well, not to disagree with an entire country, but I cannot remember having been in a Church service where strong political leanings were preached from the pulpit. I have been in services when moral aspects that cross over into politics (abortion & same sex marriage being the two that jump to mind) are discussed, but never in a "you must vote for Candidate X" way.

I think it's probably much more prevalent in things like radio programs but since I don't listen to much talk radio, I cannot really weigh in on this.

That being said, I think that if you have strong religious beliefs, they absolutely must reach out into every aspect of your life. You cannot claim to be religious (or spiritual) if it doesn't permeate the way you live every part of your life. Our political leanings cannot be at odds with our moral values. I cannot say if Americans are alone in this, but I hope not.

Sarah at Ordinary Days wants to know my divine opinions on familial relations. What do you do about a family member that is a borderline stalker? And how about a family member that thinks you are their therapist but really you're just completely tired of hearing them whine all the time because you're trying to grow your fifth baby while raising the other four?

Oh wow! First of all, I do not envy you this problem. I used to have it, but then Inkling moved to Canada (I kid! I kid! Just had to take a jab at my cousin in retaliation for her hatred for my Facebook profile picture).

First of all, is this just a random aunt or cousin or distant in-law, or is it someone important like your mother, sister, mother-in-law? If it's one of them, sorry, you just have to suck it up, pull up your big girl pants & get over it.

I'm kidding. Stalkers are the worst (not that I've ever been stalked). You can try screening your calls, avoiding all contact with this lovely person, or hiding in your basement for days on end...or you can very politely say, "I'm sorry, but I'm horribly busy right now what with being a pregnant homeschooling mother of four. Can I call you back in about 18 years when I have a chance to sleep through the night and pee by myself?"

Unfortunately, relatives come with their own set of craziness. There's a reason God doesn't let us choose our families. I'm not sure what it is yet, but when I figure it out, I'll give you a call. I guess my best advice would be to firmly but gently establish boundaries (don't I sound all professional & stuff?!). If she (I'm assuming the female gender because we tend to be clingy like this) calls or drops by numerous times a day, tell her as much as you enjoy her company you really need to keep things quiet around the house so Sunshine can nap & you can spend quality time with the boys. Maybe schedule a visit with her sometime when you know you cannot be roped into staying for hours. Go to her house knowing you must be gone by such & such a time because you have a pressing engagement.

And when you tire of giving advice or being a sounding board for all her issues, the phrase, "I really don't know what to tell you. I wish I could be more help," could eventually steer her in the direction of someone more willing/able to dish out the massive amount of support she thinks she needs.

If that all fails, put a giant sign on your front door that reads:

I'm sure there's an answering machine version. In fact, I think I'm going to print one off & keep it by the back door for the next time my SIL comes by with all 3 of her kids at 8 o'clock (the FarmHands' bedtime) on a school night and won't leave.

I totally stole/borrowed (entirely not for profit) this truly awesome piece of artwork from musingsofasarcasticmind.blogspot.com. I wonder if it comes in a version that mentions the Zombie plague.....

Vacation in bullet points because I'm too tired for anything else

• drove 4 hours to Lexington to find out the hotel pool was closed & we had to entertain the FarmHands all evening in a 2 room suite. Thank the Lord for DVD players & Narnia movies.


• drove 3+ hours to Sieverville, TN to visit Knife Works with in-laws. Could have stayed another hour easily, but these folks see stuff fast.


• took FarmHands to Wonder Works in Pigeon Forge. LOVED it...all except for the glow-in-the-dark rotating entrance. Seriously messed with my head. FarmHands had a blast!


• checked into cabin & unloaded the boat load of junk it takes to shuttle this group anywhere.


• went to Dixie Stampede for dinner & show. LOVED it (especially watching the FarmHands' faces when the girl rode 2 horses at once standing up!).


• got horribly ill the last 5 minutes of the show (possible food poisoning from the night before) and spent the rest of the night wishing I could die.


• decided that when day light came, I was calling my daddy and making him come get me & take me back to Illinois (it was about 3 am at the time)


• woke up the next day & felt a tiny bit better. Decided to delay Dollywood one day & see the aquarium instead.


• drove a short distance (thank goodness) into Smokey Mt. National Park and saw the view from a lookout point then headed into Gatlinburg.


• went to see Christ of the Smokies ($5 all day parking if you're ever in the neighborhood) & found a painting I wanted for over our fireplace until I realized the price tag read $125 and not $25.


• Went to The Big Blue Aquelium (that's what HT calls it) and LOVED it (I'm really LOVING a lot of stuff today, aren't I?). My stomach wasn't so happy about all the wavy moving water, but I still really enjoyed it.


• Slept like a rock after a dose of Dramamine


• DOLLYWOOD!!!!! This was the FarmHands' first trip to an amusement park of any kind. I will leave it entirely to your imagination...but they LOVED it (see?).


• Thursday we drove 4 more hours to Cave City, KY to meet up with my parentals, Princess, Axl, and HT to do Dinosaur World (the greatest place in the entire universe) for Princess's birthday.


• Slept much less like a rock but still decently.


• Hit Mammoth Cave twice with a stop at Applebee's & Wal-Mart in between. Ate pot roast & chicken at the cabins thanks entirely to Mama & Daddy then set things on fire with my sister (in the fire ring...don't freak out).


• Drove home

Yes, I am still recovering. Yes, we had a great time. Yes, I was ready to be back in my bed.

Yesterday BabyGirl turned ten. That makes me feel old. I cannot believe I've been a mother for an entire decade. I still have no idea what I'm doing.

Husband is back to work today. The pool is up. It's hot. I can't quit sneezing. The cicadas are swarming. We're running out of Popsicles. I'm pretty sure it's summer (solstice or not).

The beginning of a long, long, long week.

Tomorrow we leave on vacation.

Yes, I know we're certifiable leaving in the middle of Memorial Day weekend, but it just happened this way. Don't judge.

This vacation has taken on a life of it's own. Back in January (maybe) Husband started talking about taking the FarmHands to Chattanooga to see the aquarium & Look Out Mountain. I was all for it. He suggested we call QM & Daddy to meet us there, stay a few nights, then go back up to their house as a stop on the way home.

Just as vacation time was being set aside & hotels were being searched for, MIL and FIL asked if we'd like to meet up with them in Gatlinburg at their time share during that week. A few weeks & a lot of morphing later & we're starting our trip off with them & finishing it off with QM & Daddy, Princess, Axl, & H.T. in Cave City, KY.

This is the part of the post where I beg for prayers. Prayers for patience, for a total lack of motion sickness, for a safe journey, for a pleasant time, for calmed tempers all around, for good weather, for precise navigation, and for fun. Things can be tense with the In-Laws (please, no snide remarks in the comments about this) but I know the kids really need this time with their grandparents. I'm praying that this week comes with a bit of healing between Husband and his father (that's been a strained relationship for years) and a lot of calmness for me. I'm also praying that HT & Bitsy love Dinosaur World as much as the older FarmHands did last time we were there. There's been some serious build-up to it.

I really am looking forward to this trip. Tomorrow night we're staying in Lexington in order to split the 8 hour drive to Gatlinburg in half...then after that it's time to Vacation like there's no tomorrow. Dixie Stampede, Dollywood, an aquarium, caves, dinosaurs, mountains and no less than 5 Google Maps printed in preparation.

In conclusion, please pray for us all...and if you get bored while I'm gone, you can check out the last time we went on a grand adventure:
Vacation: Take One
Vacation: Take Two
Vacation: Take Three
And finally: Things I learned on vacation

Hmmmm, I wonder if The Golgotha Fun Park is still for sale.

Home Sweet Home

Tonight I will miss the king size bed Bitsy & I spread out on all weekend. I will miss the quiet of having only one child to care for. I will miss being a few feet away from my mother & father's door. I will miss being able to drive across town to visit with my grandparents. I will miss the congregation I grew up in. I will miss the pool and Bitsy's screams of joy as she splashed from her Pa's arms to mine. I will miss her excitement as she pressed the elevator buttons in the hotel. I will miss being able to adjust the thermostat up & down as my moods changed. I will miss my mini-vacation. But tonight I will not miss my older children. I will not miss my husband's soft snores in the night. I will not miss the hum of my own home as I drift off to sleep. I will not miss the peace of the country. I will not miss lounging in my tub when ever I like. I will not miss raiding my pantry at any given moment. I will not miss my recliners. I will not miss my DVR. I will not miss the presence of our furry friends. Bitsy and I spent the weekend in the land of Grandma & Grandpa M&M with Mama & Daddy. It was a wonderful trip. This was the first time in many years I've spent more than a few hours there at a time. It was the first time I've been to church with them since BabyGirl was tiny (the same church where I grew up). I got to meet the soon-to-be-3 year old son of my best friend from grade school. I got to see Aunts and Uncles and Cousins. The church had a special service Sunday night honoring Grandpa M&M's many, many years as an elder. There were actually 2 men honored & one man ordained into the eldership so it was a very special service. It was amazing to see how much the congregation loves my grandparents and how many lives they've touched. My Grandpa isn't in good shape. He's had to move out of the Independent Living apartment he & Grandma moved into last summer and into an assisted living home next door. It's been really tough on him and Grandma both (not to mention the rest of us who don't like to think of the two of them separated or failing). But last night, Grandpa was wonderful. He was happy and lively. He chatted with everyone. He was shocked by the honors they gave him. He was thrilled to be surrounded by family and friends. And I'm so very glad we got to be there.

Sad News

Grandma B passed away early this morning. Please pray for her family. We know she is with Jesus. We're missing her here at home.

Somethings you don't want to have to learn.

Yesterday morning, Busha called me to tell me they'd taken Grandma B to the hospital. They suspected she'd had a stroke. Long story, short: It's not a stroke but a UTI. Apparently in geriatric patients, UTI's can mimic a stroke or dementia.

Uncle Gick & I sat with her most of the day yesterday so Grandma B & Unkie Di could get some rest (they'd been up with her all night). We spent the first few hours trying to keep her in bed & make her leave her IV in. Eventually she settled down & fell asleep.

Last night, when Unkie Di & Grandpa B were with her, she got upset & restless again. Uncle Gick told me she'd had a really bad night. Please pray she gets some rest tonight & the antibiotics will clear this infection up quickly so she can come home.

I did learn a few things yesterday.

• Sitting with a sick loved one can be scary, but in the end, you'll be glad you did.
• UTI's not only cause dementia symptoms in older people, they will also cause people to want to disrobe. (Yup, getting naked is an actual symptom.)
• Dealing with someone who's suffering from dementia is much like dealing with a stubborn toddler. There's no use arguing, just try and re-direct them. And the kindest, calmest, sweetest of people can get surprisingly rowdy when they're out of it.
• Good nurses who work in nursing homes do not get paid enough.
• Grandma B is not impressed with the hospital's mashed potatoes.

I am loved

I am loved...by a four year old boy in Tennessee. At least that's what he told his Grammy & his Mama yesterday. When I called last night to find out if he still loved me, H.T. shouted, "Bee love you, Aunt FarmWife! Dis is my gun for shooting!" I was so relieved. At one point during the conversation he threw too many bombs at his mother and her brains came out. It's dangerous enough talking to H.T. on the phone. I imagine living with him is much like living in a Bruce Willis movie.

I tried to get him to tell his mother what Bitsy named our lambs but that didn't turn out as I'd expected. He knows their names are Buzz, Woody, Jessie, and Bo Peep. When I told him that he shouted (no, he really doesn't have any other means of communication...at least not with me), "Dat's just like Buzz Lightyear, Aunt FarmWife!!" But somehow when he told his mom last night, their names were drastically different. "Dere names is Liza, Sawmill, and Pancake." To which his mother & I could only reply, "What?!" Still haven't figured that one out.

Last week H.T. and Pa were playing their favorite game. Pa hides and H.T. goes looking for him. When H.T. gets close, Pa jumps out and yells, "Rawr!!" H.T. screams and runs from him and it starts all over again. Occasionally someone gets tossed on a bed & tickled until he nearly wets his pants. But this time things were a bit different.

When Dad hid from H.T., H.T. thought his Pa had left for work. So when Dad jumped out of the bathroom & "rawr"ed him, H.T. jumped back, covered his eyes, and screamed, "Pa! You scared the hell outta' me!" (I can't help but laugh as I type that.) Daddy wasn't expecting that at all. He looked at Mama and said, "I have to go to work now," and he walked out of the house. I'm not sure he'd made it out of the drive way when he called to tell me the story.

I hate that I miss out on so much of H.T. living so far away from him. There's something about that boy that fascinates me. I know, I have 4 of my own, but my nephew still holds a special place in my heart. I remember jumping up & down and screaming when Princess called to tell me she was expecting. I remember crying when I was horribly ill and couldn't go see him until he was a week & a half old. I remember being shocked at how very tiny he was when his dad handed him to me for the first time (around 4 lbs, 11 ounces).

I do wish we could see him more often, but I am so thankful for unlimited long distance phone plans and my parents' speaker phone. It keeps me a bit more in the loop & allows him to "show" me all the fabulous things he has at Grammy & Pa's house ("See, Aunt FarmWife? Dis is my gun. It is gleen and it is orange and my Aunt Audra gived it to me!"). It's nice to know that rarely a week goes by that he doesn't demand someone bring him to my house regardless of the 5 hour drive (not that his demands are ever met...but he tries). It's tickles me when he tells his mother that our great dane, Bonpas, is his, "Big Blown fliend," (his r's are said as l's) and he lays claim to her even though he won't let her near him when he's here. It cracks me up when his dad calls him & he answers the phone asking, "Uncle FarmBoy?! Is dat you, FarmBoy?!" as though his Uncle FarmBoy has ever called him on the phone.

H.T. adds his own brand of sparkle to my world. And it's a brand I'm more than a bit partial to.

Ups and Downs

This week has been full of them. Some extreme, some not so much.

Saturday we got some bad news about Grandpa & Grandma M&M. Since Grandpa broke his ankle he's been having some other health issues and their doctor told Grandma he can't come home. Grandma cannot take care of him on her own. So Grandpa is still in the nursing home working on getting better while Grandma stays in their appartment. It's tough on everyone because with the exception of hospital stays, they've not been apart in my memory. I'm praying that Grandpa will get his strenght back & something can be arranged so they can be together again.

Then there was the impending Snowmageddon 2011...that didn't exactly live up to the hype. At least not at my house. And for that I am eternally grateful! We got a brief glazing of ice and a dusting of snow. The power went out for a few seconds 3 or 4 times. The kids haven't missed a day of school all week. I have not been trapped in the house. These things make me very happy.

Our Wii bit the dust in the middle of the power flashes Tuesday. I tried everything I could to get it working again. Husband was ready to pack it up and send it back. In a last ditch attempt at a video consol ressurection, we took it to another outlet & plugged it in. Ta-da, Magic (as Bitsy would say)! It's working again and we didn't lose the hours of "work" I put into buying Darth Maul and Jango Fette or opening up the Zumbathon. That would have been devastating.

And I'm pretty sure someone has tacked 3 extra days on this week. I woke up certain that it was Friday but feeling like it should be Saturday. Much to my chagrin, it's only Thursday. Where's a TARDIS when you need one?

Pondering & Praying.

I'm trying not to worry, but I think that may go against human nature.

Grandma M&M couldn't get out of bed on Saturday morning. She was very dizzy and ended up in the hospital. She has a history of strokes, so we tend to get concerned over things like this. The doctors said she has an inner ear ear "problem." She's on new medicine and back at the apartment now.

While she was in the hospital, Grandpa fell in the bathroom & broke his ankle. Uncle Greenteeth was with him and called the medics. He was also dehydrated (something he is prone to) and has a bladder infection. He was being moved to the rehab/nursing facility of the center where their apartment is for 2 weeks.

Bucka is having a tough winter. He's had shingles and he & Busha have both been ill with various viruses.

Grandma B (Unkie Di's mother) is not doing well. Her pacemaker is keeping her heart beating but she is so weak she can't really leave the house. I doubt Grandpa B will be able to bring her to church any more.

I am bracing myself for the inevitable. It's a horrible thought, but I know I cannot live the rest of my life with all my grandparents. The fact that they've all lived as long as they have and in the health they've enjoyed thus far is nothing short of a miracle. I even have a few "collected" grandparents left living. I am beyond blessed in this measure. I know that. I am trying to keep in mind that when the time comes I know that my grands all love the Lord. They are all going to be with Him in heaven. I will see them all again some day.

But I'm just not ready to stop seeing them here.

Would you please pray?

Christmas, Christmas time is near....

Time for toys and time for cheer. We have plenty of both, although I have yet to purchase a single gift. Yup, December third and I have NOTHING. It helps that we really only buy for our kids & HT, and our kids don't get a huge haul....but it would be nice to have a few things stashed away. Every year I hit the month of September thinking, "I'm going to start picking up one or two things each week & get it over with." But it never really happens that way.

I could shop for BabyGirl & Bitsy all day long. Everything I see I think, "Oh, the girls would love this!" But buying for the boys is like pulling teeth. I have no idea what to get. They're boys. They can only own so many action figures and matchbox cars.

Today I got my table cloth, some window clings for the kids' rooms, and tins to fill with Pfefferneuse for the teachers this year. Last night, A Starry Night popped by and surprised me. She had promised to help put up my new tree. She & IT Superguy (formerly known as NM) were having dinner with his folks last night after IT Superguy climbed down out of his deer blind. It's so nice having a grown up around to help with the tree & visit with not to mention another person to wrangle my kids when needed. Between the two of us we got the tree up & the lights on (a job that makes me dizzy every year).

After she left, the FarmHands and I put up the tinsel and ornaments finishing shortly before bed....and before I quit being able to breath through my nose. Decorating for Christmas always causes an allergy attack for me. It tends to put a damper on my Christmas spirit. But I am determined to prevail.

It doesn't seem like an uphill battle any longer. I have found my Christmas Cheer.

Pennies, Blankets, and the World of Bitsy

B.B. came home from kindergarten today with a small piece of paper that had his name & today's date printed on it. A penny was taped to the paper as well. When I asked him about it he said, "I found that on the playground so I turned it in to Miss Jill (the school secretary)." If they find a small amount of money & it's not claimed at the end of the day the child that turns it in gets to keep the money.

I love that he was so concerned about someone losing money that he turned in a penny. Most kids would have pocketed it & not thought twice about it. I would have.

Bitsy & I spent the afternoon with A Starry Night after dropping Husband off at the body shop. He was picking up Babe. She had a loose body panel that had to be reattached. Since we were in town & had nothing to do with our afternoon, Bitsy & I decided we needed some Girl Friend time with Starry Night. It was fun. A Starry Night is determined to wiggle her way into Bitsy's good graces in any way possible. Today it was with candy & yarn.

She made Bitsy a hat a few weeks ago & today she let Bitsy pick out yarn to make more hats & scarves to go with her winter coat. By the time we left, Bitsy had dug 4 skeins of yarn out of Starry Night's yarn bag & petted them, stacked them, and loved on them repeatedly. I told her I was going to buy her yarn for Christmas. Bitsy replied, "OK, Mom. Me like tiny yarn. It soft."

We beat the big kids home by about 10 minutes. Then we all packed back up & headed to Uncle E's to see Ray-ray. Bitsy had 2 of her old baby blankets & we decided Ray-ray needed them. They're both farm themed blankets & Ray-ray is all about the farm & country stuff. Bitsy told Ray-ray the blankets are for when she gets married and has babies. She said Ray-ray can have 2 babies since we gave her 2 blankets. Ray-ray laughed & said, "What if I want more than 2 babies?" Bitsy thought about it for a minute then told Ray-ray she could have 3 babies & we'd buy her one more blanket at the store.

For the record, Ray-ray is not pregnant. She's not getting married. She's only been seeing her boyfriend for a few months....but Bitsy is prepared. She's thinking ahead & making sure everyone is on the same page...her page.

In other news, I think 3 out of 4 FarmHands may be losing their voices...this could be fun.

It just kept getting better.

Yesterday did not start off well. I was worn thin. Saturday was spent in E'ville with Husband and the kids while BabyGirl & #1 Son got caps & fillings at the dentist. Yuck. Especially since BabyGirl was so nervous she spent the morning crying & refusing to get ready to go, then got nauseous on the drive down.

We came home & I realized my kitchen was trashed & I had 4 loads of laundry that had to be washed. Daddy called & said he & QM would be bringing Grandma & Grandpa M&M by our house on their way home from vacation. That meant I couldn't leave the mess for later.

Yesterday I woke up to the boys fighting in the dark living room. It was 6 am (they're not supposed to leave their room before 8 am on the weekends) and they were looking for our Iron Man 2 DVD. They plugged their night light in under my bird cage and were rifling through the entertainment center. The DVD was in the Blu-ray player they're not allowed to touch. This did not go over well with Mama.

There was quite a bit of foot dragging & arguing while getting ready for church, one toy box completely dumped in the floor, some serious refusal to clean up any kind of mess, then entirely too much fidgeting & arguing during church. These things in combination do not do good things for this Mama. Add to that a husband who does minimal housework, worried about the state of the dishes & household affairs (most of which were taken care of prior to church) who's telling his wife what needs to be done, and the last remaining shreds of my composure were destroyed.

Husband took the boys & Bitsy outside to play. BabyGirl sequestered herself in her room. I finished my chores and crashed out on the couch with a DVD Que full of Criminal Minds. After a brief nap, things started looking up.

MIL came by with some pictures she found when they were cleaning out Husband's grandmother's house (she moved in with one of his aunts a few years back). Later she came by with 2 yellow creamer pitchers she'd saved from 2 of Husband's great-grandmother's kitchens. They are the sweetest little things & I promptly put them up with some things from my grandmothers kitchens.

A few minutes later NM & A Starry Night came by for a visit. NM was bringing a movie over for the boys & they ended up staying & chatting for more than an hour. It was so nice to get to have a real face to face conversation with grown ups while my kids played in the yard.

QM, Daddy, and The Grands got here about a quarter 'til seven. We sat around the dining table we inherited from Grandma & Grandpa M&M while they ate dinner (we'd had ours earlier) and we looked at vacation pictures. Bitsy even talked (she never does when there are people around). They didn't get to stay very long, but I will take what ever time with them I can get. And both Grandma & Grandpa were thrilled with the way their table & chair cleaned up (I have film being developed now so I should have pictures to post by the weekend).

I turned in early last night & watched a bit of Pride & Prejudice in bed before falling asleep.

It's nice when a day redeems it's self like that. I'm hoping the rest of the week follows suit.